One Year Epilogue

Well... I am coming up on the one year mark from what I thought might be the end of life as I know it. One year ago, my Dad was very sick, one year ago I discovered that some one I thought the world of was ready, willing,  and able to hurt me more than I ever thought I could bare... one year ago.... I started crossfit... one year ago I was running for the single purpose of trying to breathe. One year ago...felt like I had been knocked down so far... I would never be able to get up...  and I made it.


It was October when I walked into that crossfit gym.  Damn I was so thankful for those moments of beating the F out of my body so that I felt something... I was so numb.... I looked forward to that hour... I felt almost nothing... I left shaking and sore and tired and... not devistated...not sad.  That one hour a day was the ONLY thing that kept me sane a year ago.

When I recap this in my head... I was helping take care of my Dad, my Mom also became ill... I had a great guy who seemed supportive and all in on getting me through losing my Dad to a very aggressive cancer... it was really hard... We went to a haunted house... I ran a race and went to see my dad for the last time... giving him my medal,  when I came home I found out the person I trusted more than anyone was not only sleeping with half the city but had 3( that I know of) other girl friends over the last few years of our relationship. I somehow found the strength to end things with the person I needed the MOST at that time... my Dad died.... and I was completely alone with my thoughts and my grief and it felt like everything inside me was broken beyond repair. It was like I was made of glass and a sledge hammer just smashed down braking my whole sense of being into a zillion tiny fragments.... and I just kind of left them there.... broken... time stopped. It would never feel better.


Slowly my friends brought me back to running, I continued crossfit and started finding not just a way to feel something... but a way to make myself better, stronger, healthier... inside and out... mentally and physically.  I hit every PR and race goal I had in the spring... I worked hard... my once over anxious and overcrowded head was so quiet... there was nothing.. silence.... survival... just keep going.....for the first time the overly critical and never satisfied voice in my head shut the F up... ...My lifts at crossfit became heavier....I started to believe in myself.....for the first time...it was like.... I was SO SAD... the voice in my head just stopped belittling me... stopped criticizing me.... it started cheering me on.... my whole life started to change.... I figuratively swept up the pieces of glass and wondered... what the hell do I do with these pieces now....


And somewhere out there I found a way to reassemble the broken pieces into something stronger and more beautiful... it looked nothing like what had been destroyed... how could it?  Those pieces will never fit like that again... and perhaps they were not meant to.... I became a person who could own pain, sadness, problems, self love, gratitude, a person who could walk away from anything...but a person who could stay and hold on to something as well.  I found the ability to not only confront but also work through the uncomfortable stuff..I became something more than strong... more than unbreakable... I became so strong, that I could completely brake and keep going... reassemble and rise better than what was broken... stronger and more capable... as if I finally understood when things fall apart it just means they go back together in a different, new, and more amazing way...that broken was all perspective.....that sometimes the pieces were actually stronger than the whole... and that it didn't  even matter... I had transcended broken.... I was beyond that.  I would never again need to be fixed...and anything I did need.... I was capable of giving myself.


That is not to say I don't have a F load of issues... but... at some point we all reach an age where every one has issues... because everyone has LIVED. And I am so thankful and happy for the life I have LIVED.

So... one year and where am I ..... well... running of course... I did a trail ragnar earlier in the year... I mean seriously... it was INSANELY hard and terrifying.... and amazing... it was kind of the beginning of realizing what I was capable of.... the first mile on the trail my head was like OMG you are WAY out of your league here.... 24 hours later I had completed over 15 miles of the hardest running I had ever done... at all hours .....I am most definitely still running..... it is my peace.... my touchstone... my sanity...but my goals and my attitude..... SO much different... I feel light and happy out there... time doesn't matter... sometimes I push and sometimes I just have fun... I am working harder than ever to gain strength with the barbell.... I flash back to my 2nd ever crossfit class.... Overhead squats and 400 mt runs.... I used a training bar and 5s... 25 pounds... the first round I did the lifts and stepped out to run... my legs almost collapsed from under me....a marathoner and I could barely wobble 400mts... I have WAY more than doubled that number on the weight of an overhead squat before 400s these days... and my latest racing is obstacle running.... ....who knew that rope climbing and hurdling myself over 7 ft walls while running through the woods and swinging on bars would be my jam....? I never knew this about me....

Do I still struggle?  Am I still sad?  Of course. I lost SO much in situations that I could not control. I struggle daily with making good choices... eating enough.....not over  exercising.... being a good mom...a good daughter... sister... a good friend... a good member of society...I have some pretty amazing people in my life... and it helps.... My children are an absolute light in any darkness and I have also learned... I manage fine in the dark... should I ever find myself there again... I don't always need a light to find my way...

I am so happy with the life I have reassembled and I also have this incredible knowledge that NOTHING is ever broken beyond repair... and that sometimes you put your life back together in a different way... and it is even more amazing... do I forgive my past... and the people who swung that hammer... no... and to be honest I never will.  Do I pray that they will find their own peace and inner compassion and never, ever EVER cause that much pain to anyone else... yes, I do... I would never wish what was done to me on anyone. No matter what. Even those other girls... I don't even wish the one who hurt me most that much pain.  Have I found forgiveness, no... have I found peace... absolutely.

One year almost to the date.. I will run a 13-15 mile Spartan with 40 obstacles.  That girl who could not run after lifting 25 pounds has come along way..... and I am looking forward to how far she can actually go.  This weekend my friends and I will embark on a very exciting challenge we have all worked our a$$es off to accomplish... my legs have never felt so fatigued... and yet my ability to run steady on exhausted legs is never tested or tried.... I've worked hard to be able to do that... FOR YEARS...... but now...it is race week... rest, eat, water....  undoubtedly I will see you, on the other side of finish!