Little Red Running Hood

Well... I am coming up on the one year mark from what I thought might be the end of life as I know it. One year ago, my Dad was very sick, one year ago I discovered that some one I thought the world of was ready, willing,  and able to hurt me more than I ever thought I could bare... one year ago.... I started crossfit... one year ago I was running for the single purpose of trying to breathe. One year ago...felt like I had been knocked down so far... I would never be able to get up...  and I made it. It was October when I walked into that crossfit gym.  Damn I was so thankful for those moments of beating the F out of my body so that I felt something... I was so numb.... I looked forward to that hour... I felt almost nothing... I left shaking and sore and tired and... not devistated...not sad.  That one hour a day was the ONLY thing that kept me sane a year ago. When I recap this in my head... I was helping take care of my Dad, my Mom also became ill... I had a gre...

Running the mile....as fast as i can....hurts my soul... there is no other way to put that.... the mental payoff is huge....but the path to get there.... when your in it....it makes death look like a less painful alternative.  I am dropping my soul off in the team tent.... putting on some sparkle... adjusting my shades and warming up. Then walking to the start line. Going straight to the front and doing this mile thing.   Pain will not stop me, fear will not stop me, breathing... may stop me.... but it’s going to have to get pretty bad. I have a plan. I’m well trained. I’ve worked hard. I will make every second count. Turn over. It’s all about continuing my turn over.. just keep turning my feet over.  I hear people saying... I am my biggest competition... I will beat the old me.... I will be better than I was before. Some people face demons... some just try to run through the pain. None of that applies to me at this race.  For me, today, what I will face is the...

I thought it would feel cathartic... magical.... euphoric..... but in those final miles.... all I felt was synergy..... my body and mind working as one..... i think my eyes were closed.... there was nothing... expect running.... the last .10 I remember feeling a little done and then people were shouting and I heard them.... and I was so close to my goal that I gave that final push..... and puking at the finish was a welcome feeling because I knew I had given it all I had....  1:48:39.    Almost there. Almost a PR. PRs can be so challenging to beat! Since Nov.... I have kind of felt like I was barely keeping my head above water... like I could drowned in sadness and defeat at any moment.....like I had lost so much.....but in reality.... I had, at last,  gained almost everything I needed. In the early miles of the race.... a friend told me she was impressed with how I handled adversary... when i made the decision to go.... at mile 5.... I carried those words...

I was looking for scissors. Why can I never find the scissors in this house. Or the nail clippers or the tweezers or matching socks... Oh well... I don't really need them.... They were in the last drawer I opened... My Dad's funeral card was in there and it kind of took my breath away.  I picked up the card and touched his face.  I miss him every day. Today was kind of a big deal.  For me.  It was the final round in the CrossFit open.  This really cool international competition my gym is competing. It has been one incredible month. And today was the last round and I was going to make it.... I needed 1 rep.  I could surely figure out a way to do anything 1 time....... 4 weeks ago when these work outs started I was 90% sure i could not do anything the games athletes were doing... not even 1 time.... if a friend had not encouraged me to try the heavy weight once... I would not be looking back at the last four weeks in both shock and amazement.  I ...

Yesterday, I texted these words to my running coach " I am so happy.  I am so very happy with running. I could care less about my pace, I can not remember the last time I looked at my watch.   I am just filled with so much joy when I run... I am thankful .. " "PS can it stay 40 degrees or below forever?" I started this blog thing years ago because I had so many fast and crazy thoughts while running and being a single Mom, that I really wanted to document them. It is nothing special, there are so many amazing mom runners I can hardly believe all of the talent and speed and beauty out there!  But it was for me.... and my journalism major gives me a love for the written word... since I started blogging, It has been a hell of a journey and it seems that it is only beginning. I did make it to the start on that frosty morning... my coach told me that it would  be hard but that I would never get there if I don't start showing up ......in a tank top, fe...

" Cause sometimes you just feel tired and weak and when you feel weak you feel like you just want to give up.... but you gotta reach within you to find that inner strength and get that motivation to not give up ... to not be a quitter no matter how bad you just want to fall flat on your face and collapse ." Race week .  It is perhaps the hardest season to start... because I know it is without you... and I know without you is now my forever in everything I do...I suppose this is the last big thing I have to do without you.... and I miss you.... I am not a good racer. My head is never in the right place... full of fear and doubt and knowing.... what's coming. IT HURTS. Getting to the start line has always been hard.  Since this last November, it has been nearly impossible. For so long, I was in so much pain that the thought of racing.... no way... my blanket was too comforting at 6am to even thing about moving.... about doing that thing that burns my legs and make...

"But did you get to the part about the 400s?" My coach asked me.... and I admit I had not yet gotten there. The last time we did 400s, it was a Tuesday in late June. it was 500 degrees and humid like a typical Indiana summer. I sat in the car before our run group. Talking to my sister. My Dad had just been diagnosed and she was telling me it was cancer. And I heard her. But I had to go, it was time to run.... time for speed work.... time for my life to feel normal... I would do this after 400s....  I flipped on my goodrs and headed for the track... 2 mile warm up and 12-16 400s. I remember it being hot. I remember running and feeling so heavy my legs were like lead weights and the air felt so thick and almost impossible to suck in.... people were flying past me.  This was the track!  Theses were 400s. This was my thing. I loved sprinting.  I could keep up on 400s... I saw everyone and I have a vague memory of trying to keep up... the 200mt recovery jogs and ...