JTB: Faith Evermore

I thought it would feel cathartic... magical.... euphoric..... but in those final miles.... all I felt was synergy..... my body and mind working as one..... i think my eyes were closed.... there was nothing... expect running.... the last .10 I remember feeling a little done and then people were shouting and I heard them.... and I was so close to my goal that I gave that final push..... and puking at the finish was a welcome feeling because I knew I had given it all I had....  1:48:39.    Almost there. Almost a PR. PRs can be so challenging to beat!

Since Nov.... I have kind of felt like I was barely keeping my head above water... like I could drowned in sadness and defeat at any moment.....like I had lost so much.....but in reality.... I had, at last,  gained almost everything I needed.
In the early miles of the race.... a friend told me she was impressed with how I handled adversary... when i made the decision to go.... at mile 5.... I carried those words with me....... In my hardest moments.... I had been my strongest self.... that was all I needed to know....I was ready to see what I could do.

Earlier this year, I told my coach I did not want to race.  I was so sad and felt so broken the pressure I would put on myself in a race was more than I could take.  The last 3 years of running have been filled with injury and disappointment and just when it started to get better.... the rest of my life collapsed... this running thing just wasn’t going my way....He told me to just keep running.  He continued to train me for racing... Carmel was a goal.... can we train like I am going to run Carmel with out the pressure of actually committing... and my coach did just that.  

We did some races... practice... just show up and see what happens... a quality run.... we kept moving forward.  About a month before Carmel I finished a long run and sent a text saying.... I am ready to race.... and moreover I am ready to beat my PR.

It is truly amazing that amidst so much adversity I was able to find peace and joy and emerge stronger than before.  And many people have asked me, what changed, was it CrossFit?  Is that the difference. 

I am not sure I have the answer but I will start here.  When I lost my Father and a guy I truly thought was some one special in my life....my world was falling apart....and I was too defeated to do much more than .... exist.

 I had friends who showed up for me like no one ever has. Out of nowhere these women helped me rebuild, it was as if they said, we know you are broken and we are here to pick up the pieces while you are not able to do it.  They helped me piece my life back together. Women who have taught me so much about friendship and love... they have forged a bond with me  so strong that their goals mean as much to me as my own.... and all I want is to see them do well....and to help them in any way I can....I want us all to succeed together. They have made me truly understand friendship and running  on another level.  These friends are runners. They strengthened me through friendship... they gave  me the courage to get back out there... mostly I just wanted to hang out with my friends... doing what we loved.

I found Crossfit.... and the ability to focus on becoming the strongest girl I could possible be... A lot can happen when you are struggling through 150 push ups.... and even though you might be finishing last..... you learn SO much about yourself... your level of commitment, your personal resolve, you learn not to give up... not to feel mentally defeated.... you learn to keep going.... you are developing a mind set that says you can do anything if you do not give up.... not to mention you are strengthening your body from head to toe.... the short intense intervals have greatly helped my breathing.... and the timer has helped me learn to shut out the clock... and my watch. CrossFit has also helped me to learn how to develop a plan that is manageable and stick with it. 150 push ups... just get to 3....at first that seemed pointless... 3... 3!!! What is 3 out of 150... but do 3 enough times and it adds up... you get there... 50 strict pull ups.... get to 1.. and that impossible feat... slowly starts to transform into possible.... CrossFit developed my mind in a way nothing ever has...it has taught me how to believe and how to fight to do what I thought I could not.... by just getting to 1. This has been critical in my running. Not 13 miles... but get to the mile... get to the 800... get to the 400...what ever it takes to keep going and finish.

Last, I was fortunate to work with a coach who has told me to keep the faith.... every step of the way....every failure, every missed goal, every injury, every seemingly crushing heartbreak in racing....he has taught me.... It is not true faith if you only believe when things are good.... he was patient and understanding and always knew the right thing to say. He adapted training plans for me.... he listened to me... he talked me through the doubt and the fear and he was always in my corner believing I could do it.... even when my head was not in the game...when I had no faith and when I did not believe.... he was there telling me I could do it....just keep running...... my team was an ever flowing well of support and encouragement.  I will never know why such an incredible coach and team invests so much effort in me when I am unpredictable at best! But I am thankful.

In closing out Spring season... I have zero regrets on anything that has happened.... I am exactly where I want to be and where I belong.... I am happy and have gratitude for my family and my amazing children and friends... for everyone that is a part of my life.... you make me a better me.... I am so very lucky.... and now.... we begin heat acclimation... keep the faith on those sweltering hills of summer.... you never know what is coming until you turn that corner.... It's different now.... and as I end a very hard chapter in my life... I can not wait to write the next one.... the one where there is so much faith and so much belief and anything is possible!