I just hit.... pause

2020




A few weeks ago, this blog had a very different beginning.  I was about to publish... when I came across this photo.....

I love this picture of myself.  I am not sure the photographer knew everything he captured in this moment.  This was after facing some of my biggest fears and learning some invaluable truths about myself. 2018-2019 was a year of learning.  This photo is a picture of a girl who felt like she had lost almost everything, who felt so devastated and so tired.  But somehow, she found the strength and perseverance to keep moving forward... no matter how weak she felt or how hard it got.... and in that prolific moment of realization.... I wrote a new beginning to this story. 

I have read that the times we feel crushed, pressed, under extreme pressure, or in total darkness are paths to powerful places of transformation.  I see that now, as I am emerging into new beginnings...That is to say, over a year ago, when I was in so much pain I thought it would surely crumble me to the ground forever....I had the opportunity to realize these truths...

First and foremost, losing a parent is terrible.  At any time and any age. The sadness I felt over losing my father was justified and came from a good place inside me... I will miss my Dad forever.  I am so thankful for our time and memories together.

Second and with much difficulty I acknowledge the person I put at the forefront of my life, as some one who would protect me and keep me safe.... was some one who caused great destruction and pain in my life... and that ultimately I allowed them to do this.... I gave away that roll in my life when I was in a very unhealthy and unhappy place... I let this person devalue me because of my own personal sadness and lack of self worth...  and everything that I felt and experienced was completely justified... anger is a normal human emotion..... and while I let this person destroy my heart,  I have finally realized.... that anything and everything about me is fixable..... even the damage done by people who never belonged in my life... even my heart.

And last... at a time when I was so desperately seeking some one or some thing to help me get through some of the harshest realities I have ever faced.... a time when I felt as though I had lost everyone I depended on for strength and guidance...I found myself.... And how badly I needed that.... How wonderfully, woefully badly I needed that.

So..... a couple of weeks ago.... in different part of my story.....

Today, mid work out, I stopped.  I dropped my bar. I stepped back. I froze. I said out loud...."I can't do this".

I watched the clock tick down, allowing time to expire.  I took a deep breath and finished the work out.  52 seconds short of where I needed to be. I sat down, not really sure what happened.  Not really sure how in a single moment, with more than enough time to set a bench mark PR, to believe in myself, to just get it done, I made the decision to give up. Where had all the hard work gone.... not the strength training or running or biking or really hard physical shit.... but the mental training of not giving in... the final push at the end...the will to finish strong...the kindness I had worked so hard to give myself in the most difficult times... where had that work gone.  And how was it possible that at my strongest point... a strength I do not doubt... I am physically stronger than I have EVER been, ..... I fell.... not to heavy weight, or fatigue, or ability, I fell to that part of me that just can't ever believe that I am strong enough or good enough or just fucking enough.  How did that happen..... and what now?

In the last few months, I have been disciplined about lifting and eating and lifting and eating.... I have hit lifts I never believed possible... become confident. I have eaten and slept and thought positive every day.... I am happy. Happy in a way that stands out in everything I do.  My days are full of so much joy... my children are thriving and life is pretty amazing...

There was a time not so long ago I felt so empty.  It was as if so much had been taken from me it could never be replaced. There was so much loss and the daily pain of watching some one I love die... while being with a person who treated me awful.... which I allowed... because, did I really deserve better....it was like being stuck in a nightmare you can't wake up from and then suddenly ice water hits you and startles you into awareness and...... it was like rock bottom even dropped out from under me...... AND.. slowly.... with really positive self care and  after I collected myself from where I had been.... it seemed.... how lovely to be completely empty of the pain and the negativity of loss, the self destruction of putting up with it all, how wonderful to be free of all of that.... and how amazing to be able to fill that void with something new and positive and uplifting and self loving. How lucky to have that opportunity.  As if we arrive, exactly where we were meant to be at exactly the right time.  So where was that... and was I somehow drifting back into yet another less than stelar and less than healthy situation?

My running coach always had this saying... when I would complain that it felt impossible.... that I would never get there... that it just wasn't going to happen for me...."Keep the Faith" yes.... it is true....that mile time I missed for 4 years...but never stopped giving it my all... it finally happened.... one day all of the work paid off and at that point it was like there was never failure... only hard work to get to that moment in time... it taught me something about faith... about believing in what you can't see, until you see what you believe....

I am thankful every day that at a time when my world was crumbling I found something inside myself that sought strength. That I somehow was able to have that blind faith in that strength....physical strength requires mental strength and that understanding truly gave me the missing piece.  And somehow... when I felt like I had nothing I found everything I needed in myself.

I also understand on a deeper level, where I have been, my life experiences and where I am now.... and that rock bottom is just an opportunity to see how high we can climb.

So why did I suddenly just decide to give up.  I am not sure... but on that day it was exactly what I needed.  I needed to step back and look at all of the pieces of my life and question the ones I wanted to keep and the ones that were starting to pull me back to my unhealthy tendencies.  I didn't really give up.... I just hit pause... and took a moment....because sometimes... giant leaps of faith require a deep breath before you jump.


Two of the best statements I have heard lately... that I will be applying to my life from here on out are: "why not me"... who says this is not meant for me... I have just as much right and reason to have a happy, fulfilling,  winning,  and strong life as anyone.. and " Your rules are wrong"..... to say that I’m breaking the rules no longer applies to me because I’m not playing in your game. And I’m no longer waking up to be second in life. In my life, I am first. 

And I’ve finally found that forgiveness. And oh my fucking god it feels SO good.... to forgive myself... for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, big enough, whole enough, pretty enough, fast enough, or anything enough.... for not being perfect. I finally forgive myself because.... every time I felt that way.... I was doing the best I could.... and I was always enough.... and the fact that I let those thoughts rule me, guide me, burden me, take my victory and my joy... allow me to end up in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time....well.... I forgive myself.  I forgive myself for not being able to save every person in my life....
I forgive myself for every time I let my harsh unforgiving perfectionism belittle me into stealing my happiness and overlooking my accomplishment. I forgive me for always doubting who I was and who I could be.....I 110% forgive myself for everything and anything I ever did.... to hurt the person I was aways capable of becoming..... self.... I forgive you... I am so very sorry... I have so much respect for you ...and most importantly... I love you....  let's move forward in this new beginning and start having the greatest relationship ever! 

What now.... what's next.... well....I re do the work out of course... I get hella stronger.... I run some fast races...and I believe in myself with every fiber of my being.... I believe so fucking hard that it is impossible to fail... and should I fall short.... I do so knowing I was all in... I will only be better because of it.... and above all I keep the faith....  in myself.  That is all I have ever really needed anyway, to believe in me.  I guess I am off to a fantastic new beginning....  I am just going to fill in some really great adventures, enjoy the ride,  and not think about the ending... oh yeah...
"resume play"....

Two of the best statements I have heard lately... that I will be applying to my life from here on out are: why NOT me... who says this is not meant for me... I have just as much right and reason to have a happy fulfilling winning and strong life as anyone.. and your rules are wrong..... to say that I’m breaking the rules no longer applies to me because I’m not playing in your game. And I’m no longer waking up to be second in life. In my life, I am first. 

And I’ve finally found that forgiveness. And oh my fucking god it feels SO good.... to forgive myself... for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, big enough, whole enough, pretty enough, fast enough, or anything enough.... for not being perfect. I finally forgive myself because.... every time I felt that way.... I was doing the best I could.... and I was always enough.... and the fact that I let those thoughts rule me, guide me, burdened me, steal my victory and my joy... allow me to end up in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time....well.... I forgive myself. 

Two of the best statements I have heard lately... that I will be applying to my life from here on out are: why NOT me... who says this is not meant for me... I have just as much right and reason to have a happy fulfilling winning and strong life as anyone.. and your rules are wrong..... to say that I’m breaking the rules no longer applies to me because I’m not playing in your game. And I’m no longer waking up to be second in life. In my life, I am first. 

And I’ve finally found that forgiveness. And oh my fucking god it feels SO good.... to forgive myself... for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, big enough, whole enough, pretty enough, fast enough, or anything enough.... for not being perfect. I finally forgive myself because.... every time I felt that way.... I was doing the best I could.... and I was always enough.... and the fact that I let those thoughts rule me, guide me, burdened me, steal my victory and my joy... allow me to end up in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time....well.... I forgive myself. 

Two of the best statements I have heard lately... that I will be applying to my life from here on out are: why NOT me... who says this is not meant for me... I have just as much right and reason to have a happy fulfilling winning and strong life as anyone.. and your rules are wrong..... to say that I’m breaking the rules no longer applies to me because I’m not playing in your game. And I’m no longer waking up to be second in life. In my life, I am first. 

And I’ve finally found that forgiveness. And oh my fucking god it feels SO good.... to forgive myself... for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, big enough, whole enough, pretty enough, fast enough, or anything enough.... for not being perfect. I finally forgive myself because.... every time I felt that way.... I was doing the best I could.... and I was always enough.... and the fact that I let those thoughts rule me, guide me, burdened me, steal my victory and my joy... allow me to end up in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time....well.... I forgive myself.