Sometimes the best plan... is...no plan

Life is kind of like " the train that crashed my heart... the glitter in the dark..."

This blog started as my single Mom running diary.  It has served me as an outlet through some of the hardest times in my life...Times I felt completely alone. This blog has helped me process, appreciate myself, it has documented my incredible personal victories, it has recorded monumental heartbreaks.  Most importantly, it has let me be me. Pouring my head and heart out in cyber space.  It is time to begin where I left off..... or perhaps even,..... before I started.... 

Circa 2015........

2014 - Mid summer. It was unseasonably hot. I drove 9 hours to drop my youngest off at a camp, and 7 more hours to meet my dad at his cabin in the mountains.  I did not have AC, but, being no stranger to 4/65 AC and lots of water.... it didn't feel like a big deal to be driving with no AC.  In summer, with my children... we would make it.  We had made it this far.  

My Dad met me at the bottom of the mountain and I followed him up into the middle of nowhere... the cabin, with the boxing barn.  I would run laps out in the open field and hit the bag with him, watch him hit the speed bag with his eyes closed... the kids would enjoy being out side.... but on that day- my Dad was angry with me for driving without air. He immediately took my car into town and had it fixed.  That night when the kids went to bed, I will never forget this, I started to cry.  I was so scared. For the first time in my life, I was terrified. and I did not know if it would be ok.  " Dad, I am so scared, I don't know if I can do this alone.  I am alone with 3 kids, no real job, no idea of how to do this... what am I going to do?" I have never seen my Dad look so upset, sad, mad and yet try to comfort me all in the same moment. He told me I could overcome anything..... 

2015- we are running down the side walk, to the big house and back. My 8 year old reaches up to grab a leaf from the tree. It is fall, the colors are changing. In about a week I will run another half marathon, after just running the Chicago marathon. I watch this little girl running beside me, easily keeping my pace, laughing, and I think.... dang she is going to be fast one day. 

2016 - we are at the state gymnastics meet. My 9 year old is tied for 1st, with 1 event to go. And she needs to win it. I watch as she begins her beam routine. It is the only event in which she does not hold a state title. It is flawless and I am mesmorized by her movements. It is perfect. Until - she attemps the trick that will secure the win.... and she has it!!!! She lands... it is won.... and then.... her foot slips. and she falls. I watch this little girl, willing to risk 2nd or 3rd or even 4th.... for a chance to win.... and I think.... dang she is going to win it all one day. 

A wrinkle in time ...... My Dad became so sick and in 4 months time, I lost my Dad..... and then, had my heart decimated.... if I thought it was hard before.... nothing could have prepared me for the day I lost.... like game over lost.  And my world became very quiet. And still..... death to every safe haven I thought I knew. And then the world changed.... and processing death became living through a pandemic... and I made myself even stronger.... because I had to.  Not sure I though much about winning or losing anymore. Survival. And happiness became - I am ok.  I made it.  Just me and my babies.   And that was fine. 

 2021 - we are getting ready for bed. High school starts in 2 days. But tonight is a very special night, the high school soccer team will be announced. My 14 year old is an amazing soccer player. Fast and tough.... and so excited to start her high school career. And then....... on that night, the final night..... cut from the team. I watch my baby cry herself to sleep and for the first time - I do not know how to fix this......... the high school cross country coach reaches out and asks her to report to practice in the morning. She has never run cross country. The next morning she wakes up, puts a braid in her hair, and begins to run.  Just like we once did, to the big house and back.

 "I am so nervous".  My daughter mouthed these words to me walking to the start line of her first High School Cross Country race. Ahhhh courage dear heart.....And then..... she crushed it. It seems every time I am afraid to do something.... these words fill my head. And I think.... how can you possibly expect them to be couragous.... if you do not display this in your own life. Yes, courage my dear heart.... because you have always had the courage... and look at where it has brought you....

Welcome to 2021.   3 kids in high school definitely requires a daily dose of courage.... and patience.... and more patience..... and a lot of food. My senior will soon be off to college.... to study art...Fully support this - live your freaking dreams baby!!! My sophomore is figuring it out, he lifts with me!!!!! He is playing some of the best darn music ever...He has a radio show....   My freshman is..... RUNNING.......OH MY GOSH yes.... running. and she is good..... like really good.....like beat my PR in her first race good.....and my heart is so happy for all of them. I have these beautiful memories of running with my youngest. Snowy foot prints on the track.... quarantine 90 degree days again on the track, glorious sunsets as we logged 5 miles together.... and she said " I am so glad to be experiencing this with you". So much of my life has not gone according to plan.... as a matter of fact - it has gone so far off from the plan - I can not even remember what the plan was.... I only know that my life is very happy and full of love. My children have grown up to be amazing.... and I was a part of that.... I have learned how to forgive... how to heal, how to try to be healthy and happy.  I understand that people will hurt you and that is ok - let them - then walk away and never let them do it again... situations will not all work out as planned - and that is ok - no plan needed to enjoy the life that is right in front of you... the smiles and laughter - the beauty that is everywhere, the way things will eventually work out in the future.... 

It is a crisp November morning.... we wake up early to get ready for the big day.... I jokingly wonder how I am still waking up for races when I don't run anymore......and I absolutley know - it is because.... I am the parent of a runner. A really really good runner. And my past helps me understand how to raise a runner..... My past helps me understand a lot.  We drive to the race.... and I stay with her until it is just about go time.... then I take her warm up clothes from her as she gets ready to start.... maybe sometimes things do not go as planned because the universe has something else in mind.....

A friend once told me, " sometimes you have to play the hand you are given." That morning I watched in awe as my daughter played her cards.... and crossed the finish line ..... with the win. Like, she won the race. 

No, things do not always go according to plan.... sometimes, they are even more amazing and beautiful than the plan..... and I am SO glad they are..... when my baby was little, we ran to the big house and back. I ran by your side until it was time for you to run ahead. And on that day that you ran ahead.... a small figure disappearing in the distance, everything made sense because it had all brought us here... to this moment... every hard day, every bad day, every loss....and every good day too..... had prepared us for the win.... that first parenting finish line is in sight...in this life... there will be many...... but this one is filled with college and races and bright futures..... in the Netherlands of all places.... I am so in awe of my children....

I can not believe we made it here....there was surely some magic involved..... or maybe my Dad was right - maybe I really can overcome anything....I am looking at my greatest accomplishment in life.... and I never even followed a plan.... we just did it.  and we got here...... and we did it with so many smiles and so much love.....I am looking forward to another year of my youngest racing, another year of my son playing the sweetest music I have ever heard, and visiting my oldest at college.  And I have realized in every situation,  the hand you are holding is always a winner if you play it right......courage dear heart....  

TO BE CONTINUED - with out a plan of course!