Little Red Running Hood

Dear Self,  Does it ever get exhausting.... believing you are so weak, doubting yourself, fearing almost everything that you want? Does it ever get overwhelming thinking you will never be good enough, strong enough, fast enough? Does it ever get hard trying to please everyone and agree with everything and to smile every single second.  Do you ever just want to take responsibility for the strong, fierce, determined girl you are and say .... F it.... it is what it is and I am no longer going to be afraid or doubt me.  I accept me 110% and what any one else thinks.... no longer matters...I will rise up to my full potential in every aspect of my life. I will believe in the only person that can actually make a difference in my world. I will start trying to please that person and smile for that person and be everything that person is capable of being.  Does it ever get exhausting.......to be so much less than you are capable of being.....to hide yourself behind weakness...

It is life illuminating... the blaze from the fire of burning bridges.... it is like a small spark that completely ignites the darkness into a warm glow of hope and peace. Watching something burn that was causing so much pain and hardship..... knowing that place will no longer exist in your life because you discovered it was a toxic hell and destroyed it with everything you had..... so that out of the ashes.... something new could arise.... as if the Mephistopheles in my personal Paradise Lost could be doused in the flames of his own evil deeds and sleep for eternity.... or at the very least stand on the other side without a bridge into my world of peace. I am still protecting myself a great deal. Losing my Dad was a real hit to my inner and outer strength arsenal.  That still feels very raw and very difficult to grasp. Trying to understand the malevolent actions of a person who recklessly broke my heart.... that is easier to take in..... and easier to shut down. Each day, I am ...

The funny thing about running... or any intense exercise.... it is like all logic is gone... wait I've run how many miles and how many more equal 10 and if I am at 5.74 and I turn around how much is left in what direction..... OR... wait so the bar weighs.... and I have how many plates and wait what number am I on and how many does that mean I have left.... On an average day... I am pretty good at math.... but when I am mid run or mid work out I am not sure i could even tell you my name.... never mind 2+2.  Thankfully as fitness enthusiasts and runners.... we are also obsessive planners.... so we have that mapped out and ready to go.... if you are like me you may even have  few contingency plans... just in case plan A starts to go awry... how do I not have contingency life plans where relationships are concerned?? I thought of so many memories today.  My Dad's funeral service was so beautiful and full of love.... the bagpipes were playing Amazing Grace.... The...

My Dad died early Wed morning.  I remember him saying how great is was to be alive, to be able to look at the sky.  No matter the season or day, just being able to look up and see the sky and be alive. It feels really unfair to watch people you love so much suffer. It has been a really really hard few months. A little over a week ago I discovered the person I had invested the last 5 years with was basically living a double life. I remember faithful was my biggest request, it seems surreal that a best friend, person I loved, shared so much with, was just a fallacy... a lie... a 5 year lie.  The whole time.... I am blown away by this and still trying to get it right in my head, how someone lies and hurts and deceives others in such a way. It can be over, but the fucking mess still needs to be cleaned up. You know, the mess this person made in my life, my head, my heart. I feel like the past few weeks have been a dream. A nightmare actually. I can honestly say right...

Today is Sunday and as my weeks grow crazier and more busy, my time to run is scarce.... and it forces the question, many times... how badly do I want this?  How much do i really want to race and to continue excelling at a sport I love, how much can I push my body through the weary and tired runs I am sure can not be done... how many evenings do I want to pick myself up off of the couch after a long day to get in the miles and how much do i want the burden and the responsibility of being accountable.... to my sport and to myself. A lot pf people dislike running.... to that I will say... you have never really ran.... you have never experienced what we(runners) have felt on that life changing run.... the one that pulled us closer to our depths and our limits and showed us what we were really capable of... what we could overcome and what we could withstand..... when you run.... you rediscover your strength and in some ways.... you uncover the essence of your soul..... don't believe ...

My daily run takes me past a stadium and a track.  It is rather inspirational to see this twice on my daily journey.  It fills me with nostalgia and a small longing for the sports I never played... it fills me with a desire to work hard and to continue getting better.... but most of all it fills me with hope.... every athlete that set foot on the track or in that stadium once metaphorically stood where I stand.... a novice... a new comer... some one with passion for the sport and the eagerness to learn.... how to do it well. Of course... I am not a young athlete.... I am a middle aged halflete.... bordering slowly on athlete.... I spent about 3 years running and then 1 year wanting to get good at running. I spent one year stalking the best running group in my city... learning the names of all the players... the best of the best.... times and places... names and faces... I spent the first year on my run team in awe of those around me.  I spent the second year avoidi...