After Math

The funny thing about running... or any intense exercise.... it is like all logic is gone... wait I've run how many miles and how many more equal 10 and if I am at 5.74 and I turn around how much is left in what direction..... OR... wait so the bar weighs.... and I have how many plates and wait what number am I on and how many does that mean I have left.... On an average day... I am pretty good at math.... but when I am mid run or mid work out I am not sure i could even tell you my name.... never mind 2+2.  Thankfully as fitness enthusiasts and runners.... we are also obsessive planners.... so we have that mapped out and ready to go.... if you are like me you may even have  few contingency plans... just in case plan A starts to go awry... how do I not have contingency life plans where relationships are concerned??

I thought of so many memories today.  My Dad's funeral service was so beautiful and full of love.... the bagpipes were playing Amazing Grace.... The Air Force performed the Stars Over Stripes ceremony and presented my brother with a flag... and (tears).... the trumpet played Taps....Day is Done filled the air.... it was a blur... a haze.... it was so short.  I remember thinking... the funeral is over.... and now life goes on.... but I am still so sad.  I really miss my Dad. My ex never even said he was sorry or expressed his condolences.... and what did I expect from a guy who lived a double life.... it is terrifying to think that I could have lived 20 years never knowing that this person had another relationship... in another city.... with another girl..... I am not sure my head will be right for awhile.... still after all that time together... it seemed unusually cruel.... but again... double life.... the lies and deceit and disregard and betrayal of the others involved that go along with such horrifying actions......the hurt.... I guess condolences seem silly in comparison......

My brother once ran in from school, quickly slamming the door and leaned breathless against it.... three boys had been chasing him home from school... he was trying to get away.  My Dad, who happened to be home that day, asked why he ran in the house like that.... when my brother told him... he said.... Back out side... you never run away.... go back out there and face them.... on that day my brother did not win that fight.  But I know that he never ran again. I am not sure he ever lost again either.

Running these last few days have been some of the best.  My body feels light again.... that heavy weight has almost completely lifted.... the pain which had made me raw has almost dissipated entirely and I can even increase the intensity a little with out feeling overwhelmed.  I am no longer idle with grief and loss. I am starting to heal. From losing my Dad and from losing the lie of a relationship I lived for so long.

Some one said it was like I got knocked down twice.... but I don't feel like I got knocked down.... I for sure had the wind knocked out of me, I was hit hard enough to shake me to my very core.... but in the end.... when I lost my Dad and i had a choice.... and here is part of the un told story.... in this awful lie of a relationship, I had a choice....it was me who said.... something isn't right.... I do not want to see you until I figure it out....I said I can not and will not do this.... there were cheaply veiled attempts to make me believe....to make me stay.... but in a moment when I could have looked away.... I could have stayed with this person just to have some one to get me through this really hard and devastating time.... I choose to walk away and to take care of myself.  I was strong enough to do what was right for me at a very pivotal moment.... I felt like the round was getting so hard.... the hits just kept coming... my Dad's heart....the fighting... hospice.... the pictures.... it was like all I could do was stand there..... cover my face and take the punches... over and over and over.... praying to wear down my opponent until the sound of the bell and the round was over..... I took quite a beat down to stay in the match..... and I guess it changed me.  The empath I once was.... the person who truly believed people who were the most un lovable needed love the most.... that person was knocked around so badly by the very one she had tried to save..... while watching my Dad suffer so much.... it is like my heart can't go back together in the same way..... when I try to think of this person with compassion.... there is only anger and vengeance and hatred... really strong emotions I have never known... it is that feeling of being hurt more than you are capable of being hurt.... and I no longer want to save others..... I only want to save myself..... and that is a feeling I have never experienced.... but when I was taking those hits, gasping for air, praying for mercy, wondering if the pain would end and wondering if I would survive.... there was no relief... no reprieve from the mental and emotional punching bag I had become.... my body was beaten, my heart was shattered, and my mind was completely broken.  And I continued to take every hit. And I did not fall.

Crossfit is teaching me how strong my body and mind can be..... I always like to focus on creating moments that replicate the last 6 miles of the marathon... the unknown.... the point break of the race..... anything to simulate total physical and mental inhalation.... and learning how to push through it..... Crossfit has those moments... of being so exhausted you are no longer pushing yourself, but merely struggling to move.... I love that place..... that point of having nothing left,  of being so sure that you can not do any thing more.... so tired..... so done..... ready to drop and give up..... and then.... you keep going.... I guess, in sport, that is what victory is to me.  Breaking yourself over and over again to become stronger... To become something.... you have to overcome something.... right?  To me... it is all about learning to overcome my limitations both mental and physical.... " Life isn't something that just happens.... it is something you make happen..."  When we are broken.... completely broken.... only then can we rebuild..... stronger..... more courageous.... and ready to take on more....ready to become that better version of ourselves....

In my life.... I often have nightmares.... I am not the best person to sleep next to I suppose... as I often wake very startled.... sleep is such a place of vulnerability to me..... but the other night I had this dream or rather this feeling in a dream.....  and I know it was about running..... I do not know how I knew this..... but the road that stretched out before me was vast and empty and it was a beautiful winter morning... the feel of the weather was almost non existent......I knew I was right where I needed to be... it didn't matter.  It could not hurt me or disappoint me. A time...A place... A goal.... A race.... Some one I lost, some one who never showed up.  I just felt all of this and I was at peace. I have always believed the meaning of life is to find peace.

In such a short time, it felt like I lost it all... it was like I had nothing.... and somehow in that nothing,  I found everything,  because I found myself.  And in the worst possible time,  at my weakest possible moment,  I was stronger than I ever knew I could be.

We rebuild, we renew, we redo, and we live our lives to the fullest and the best we possibly can..... and when there is nothing left to hold on to,  maybe only then, are we free.  Perhaps it is in knowing pain that we can appreciate pleasure... in great sorrow that we learn to value happiness.... it is at the end that we are finally ready to begin.