JTB: Conceding

My Dad died early Wed morning.  I remember him saying how great is was to be alive, to be able to look at the sky.  No matter the season or day, just being able to look up and see the sky and be alive. It feels really unfair to watch people you love so much suffer. It has been a really really hard few months.

A little over a week ago I discovered the person I had invested the last 5 years with was basically living a double life. I remember faithful was my biggest request, it seems surreal that a best friend, person I loved, shared so much with, was just a fallacy... a lie... a 5 year lie.
 The whole time.... I am blown away by this and still trying to get it right in my head, how someone lies and hurts and deceives others in such a way. It can be over, but the fucking mess still needs to be cleaned up. You know, the mess this person made in my life, my head, my heart.


I feel like the past few weeks have been a dream. A nightmare actually.

I can honestly say right now, I run just to breathe.  Because lately it is really hard to breathe.



I have been a jogger for as long as I can remember... back to the days in high school when Ms. Blakemoore wanted me to run the 800.... um why do I need to run more than 2 laps to train? No thank you...Since Fred K and I were meeting at Kessling Middle School to jog a mile or rollerblade.... the blades were so much easier..... to the streets of B-town and choking on my own air...There was a time when jogging was so hard I was happy if I could merely cover the distance..... I guess it happened when I decided I wanted to be better... that the mere act of jogging became easy.... and the actual running became hard.....Mind blowingly, gut clenching, total body aching, lung imploding, heart exploding, puking hard. I mean really really hard.  Still..... we all fell in love with running.... different reasons, different issues, like a crazy support group for those who can't live gently.... for those who must overcome hard..... for those who find the mind numbing, soul soothing pain a safe house a place to be free of everything.... just your footfalls and your breathing.... feeling so alive you are immortal....

How do I put it on paper....where are the words that come so easy in all other instances..... I thought having a child made me an adult.... I am SO not an adult. I am still walking on some yellow brick road looking for the fairy tale and the unicorn....and it's turned into some Brothers Grimm variation.... nothing ever prepared me for being a single mom, nothing ever prepared me for feeling my heart break into a million pieces, nothing ever prepared me for how many times I would have to run one fucking mile to get it right and nothing, I mean NOTHING in life ever prepared me for watching my hero concede the race. Nothing even prepared me for trying to understand that was the only way for him  to win. I have tried to find strength in my legs as you have lost yours, I have tried to breathe deeper, thankful for the air I can still take in, I have tried to remind myself of the circle of life, but I can't seem to grasp suffering and pain and losing the strongest man I have ever known. I certainly hug my children tighter every night. And I know it will be ok. we have one more day.... do we have one more day? If running is my physical outlet than writing is my mental outlet.  I will write you my feelings long before I will tell you.....

With running, I can back off when it's hard.... whoa hey this is too much, slow down, cut the milage....stop.... whatever.... mostly I realize Boston is just way more work than I am ready to do..... mentally..... but this...... this situation is something I can't back off,  I can't walk away, I can't do it later..... I mean, do we have 1 more day.....it seems we do not. And now, I have to let this all engulf me and embrace the reality of the situation so I can heal. So I can breathe.

I think about my Dad, my hero, my endless well of support, the greatest man I have ever known.

I think about this awful relationship situation, I ran 8 marathons, my Dad was at almost every single one. Just my Dad. I should have known. It's all so jumbled in my head with sadness.

One foot in front of the other. Running is like my rock, my place to come back to. What would I be if I wasn't a runner.

These days, so many people have comforted me, supported me, reached out to me. I feel so much warmth and compassion. Even as I feel so small and undeserving because I am just so damn sad. I am thankful and I wonder how it could be..... that when I need it most... I  have so much support. I have connected with people who are the best friends I never knew I had.... which is funny.... because I felt so alone for so long.... let me clarify.... in my relationship.... I felt so alone... and now I know why.

I believe it is ok, everything I am feeling. I believe I am blessed beyond measure, and I know I am strong enough to overcome it all...... even though it feels like my life just got hit by a train.

When I was 8 my Dad taught me how to throw a punch, he showed me how to hold my hand and how to hit.... our garage was filled with punching bags.... he told me to never be afraid and to never back down from a fight, the bigger they are, the harder they fall....he use to hang upside down and run laps in our field.  He was an incredible athlete. I think sometimes I ran just because of how proud it made him....

This will end, and I will be stronger because of it.  I am learning about loss, the very definition of the word.  I am excited to meet the person I will now become. If everything happens for a reason, this is part of making me the person I am meant to be.  She will be one who understands loss and sadness on a deeper level. Some one who learns to trust her gut and demands to be treated well.  And maybe even some one who believes in herself 100%.  I see it coming, it is on the horizon.  I will get there one step at a time. Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other.  My running coach told me that sometimes, like life, running rips your heart out. This is my chance to learn how to run right through that.  I will not concede. I will not settle for living a life that is anything less than I am capable of living. I will not let pain and sadness define me. I will not let loss weaken me.  I will count my blessings and not my disasters.

I may think about these things for a long time.... they will swirl around in my head as I run each step and try to find peace in it all. But in the end, I will have my fairy tale.  Even if I have to re invent it a million times.  I will not concede.