Paradise Found and Burning Bridges.

It is life illuminating... the blaze from the fire of burning bridges.... it is like a small spark that completely ignites the darkness into a warm glow of hope and peace. Watching something burn that was causing so much pain and hardship..... knowing that place will no longer exist in your life because you discovered it was a toxic hell and destroyed it with everything you had..... so that out of the ashes.... something new could arise.... as if the Mephistopheles in my personal Paradise Lost could be doused in the flames of his own evil deeds and sleep for eternity.... or at the very least stand on the
other side without a bridge into my world of peace.

I am still protecting myself a great deal. Losing my Dad was a real hit to my inner and outer strength arsenal.  That still feels very raw and very difficult to grasp. Trying to understand the malevolent actions of a person who recklessly broke my heart.... that is easier to take in..... and easier to shut down. Each day, I am learning to be stronger with out my Dad.  To depart his knowledge

and wisdom in my life and into the life of my children.  Getting over the loss of a parent is hard. My last
memory of my Dad is sitting on the edge of the bed, with my arm wrapped around him and his head resting on my shoulder.  He was too weak and too thin to sit up on his own.  But I held him and my Mom stood in front of us and my sister behind us so there was no chance we would fall.  Family is amazing like that.

On the last day with my Dad, I brought him a medal. I had raced that morning. Not a marathon, but a good effort in a local race and it got me back out there. I hung that medal close to his bed.  As if I could give him my strength, as if that could make a difference.  I will never forget holding my Dad.  I am thankful for that sweet and gentle moment. When I kissed him goodbye, he told me he loved me. It is so crazy how a couple of months earlier we believed he could beat this. The end happens quickly.... and you are never really ready.  I will not forget the week my father passed away.  I will never forget discovering my boyfriend was seeing other girls and lying to me and using me(for a very very long time)......3 days before I lost my father.......the incredible weight of all of that at the same time.... made me wonder......what the hell I was doing with some one like that in the first place! Love is truly blind. Faith is also blind.


I am alway so thankful for my resolve as a runner.  When I am sad or angry or really anything at all, running helps me focus on a goal, it keeps me grounded.  I sleep, I eat, I train... because I have a goal. Running keeps me in line. I don't drink or stay up late or treat my body in a reckless way... because I need to be ready to run.... and I need to remind myself that I can get anywhere in life, putting one foot in front of the other.  Despite the heart wrenching epithets that may come my way.... running shields me.

With the new year approaching.... I encourage everyone to find their shield... find what motivates and protects and inspires you and hold that close to your heart.... and do it as often as humanly possible... so that it will strengthen your resolve to live the best life possible...so that one day... should you need it, like an old friend... it will be there.... to center your life..... In this new beginning I will remember to count my blessings and not my disasters... the incredible gifts I have been given... my family.... my children.... my friends.... my body... which has never failed me...... Exercise is such good therapy... it teaches you so much about

 yourself and how to overcome both mental and physical limitations... it works wonders on your body and your mind..... I always tell my clients... most of what you see is about 75% diet.... but inside.... the way your heart pumps and your organs work... your blood.... your body's efficiency.... your mental state.... well exercise is a HUGE part of that.....

Weightlifting for me is a big confidence boost... like "say what" I can put 80 pds over my head.... I remember when that seemed impossible.... 8 pull ups away from my 10 pull up goal... my feet never touching the ground.  And that overall feeling of solid strength from head to toe.... Boxing is so nice for taking out my aggression.... each hit and pop of the bag and I am reminded of how powerful I really am... The kicks and the raw energy.... I seriously challenge anyone to take a boxing class and NOT feel like you just beat everything negative right out of your world when you finish.  Running..... my touchstone.... the place in time that centers me..... just me and all of the beauty in the world coexisting....

Right after my Dad died.... every morning I would wake up, make coffee, sit down feeling completely defeated and so sad it was painful just to breathe... I swear even my skin hurt....and there was no one I could talk to ... no one I could seek that refuge from reality with....no one to hold me and say... everything is going to be ok.... there was just me... and that voice in my head became very important... and for the first time... that voice was so kind.... that voice in my head was everything i needed it to be... I would sit there and allow myself that moment to take it all in. I would drink my coffee and force myself to eat something. That was me, trying desperately to take care of myself. One of those mornings, not too long ago  I ran a few miles..... and my head was empty.... I took in the view and thought about starting over. Alone. I felt so bare and fragile and small and light and free all at the same time. Stuck between taking a deep breath of freedom and choking on the sadness of what can now never be.  I wish everyone knew how powerful it was to have something like running..... that rock to hold onto when you are literally hanging in thin air..... that place to come back to and know everything will be ok..... one foot in front of the other..... Some mornings I still struggle to hold back the tears out there on my run.... mostly because I really wish I could talk to my Dad about the guy who destroyed my heart..... I wish he could make me feel better as only a Dad can.....

And I hope, in time, the memories of my ex will completely fade from my mind. No more fake happiness and fake love to look back on. I wonder what makes people do this to one another. It's hard to understand the years that seemed like something were really nothing.  The smiles were not real. It seems unfair that the tears are real.  The hardest hits are the ones you never saw coming..... I can truthfully say.... I never saw this one coming.... but that empty space..... where a bridge once existed..... it holds nothing of my heart anymore.....

I am trying to think.... if you never try.... you never know.... if you don't risk great things..... how can you ever know the rewards.... if you can't give it all.... how can you expect to get it all...... success is an accumulation of many failures and the determination to keep trying.... no matter how much it hurts.... or how hard it seems..... in running..... in love.....in life.......if you walk away, hurt, broken, without accomplishing the goal...... what was it all for? Sometimes I wonder if I will eventually drowned in failure.... the waves can be so high and the water can seem so deep.....

Between you and me.... I think I am learning how to swim..... I think I am learning that what has happened means I do not have to stay in the same place, treading water in hopes of merely surviving. Maybe I don't even need that bridge..... maybe I never did.

For a runner, the season ebs and flows.... you build to high milage.... you pull back... you peak... you rest... and you begin again. Each race season's end brings the hope of a new beginning. A clean slate, a new goal, new races, new plans.

On that morning... when my head seemed clear.... when I felt empty in a way that was a calm and peaceful stillness and not a void...... I ran solid fast miles that seemed light and easy....I walked in my door and sat down and cried.... because I could still run like that...... with the newness of beginning again and finding out what will happen.  Did I deserve those miles? Despite the lack of training and enthusiasm over the last 5 months.... Maybe not, but I am taking them.. From now on I am taking it all.   I wasn't grateful, I wasn't happy, I was not really anything.  I was just myself.  Completely alone and completely ok with each step forward....with each breath..... and I just ran.  and in the end it was better than ok.  And I signed up for a race.  My first race of 2019.

For now, I will let the Mephistopheles and Beelzebubs of the world make their deals.... in that empty space that no longer leads to my world.... I will let the light show me a path towards a new destination.... I will not look to find anyone there other than myself. I will burn as many bridges as needed to keep my paradise found... and I will let the fire ignite my soul and my world into a beautiful place free of harm and full of so much love.... the almighty will look down in awe.... I will miss you for the rest of my life Dad.  The new year will not be the same with out you.  How very lucky I am to be your daughter. RIP.