Mirror Mirror on the wall, you Showed me the Greatest Hero of Them ALL!

Dear Self, 

Does it ever get exhausting.... believing you are so weak, doubting yourself, fearing almost everything that you want? Does it ever get overwhelming thinking you will never be good enough, strong enough, fast enough? Does it ever get hard trying to please everyone and agree with everything and to smile every single second.  Do you ever just want to take responsibility for the strong, fierce, determined girl you are and say .... F it.... it is what it is and I am no longer going to be afraid or doubt me.  I accept me 110% and what any one else thinks.... no longer matters...I will rise up to my full potential in every aspect of my life. I will believe in the only person that can actually make a difference in my world. I will start trying to please that person and smile for that person and be everything that person is capable of being.  Does it ever get exhausting.......to be so much less than you are capable of being.....to hide yourself behind weakness. 

2018 has been a $HIT year. I do not even want to recap. ANOTHER marathon missed due to injury.  And you know the rest..... my personal life pretty much exploding in pieces.....but.... this post is not about that.  Or about anything I have lost, about being afraid, about feeling disappointed, or about heartbreak. This post is about what I have learned and what I have GAINED.  As the year comes to a close and I recap the "miles of trails and trails of miles", when I think about the   "magic in misery" and the bridges that can no longer be crossed....

I see accomplishment, strength, beauty, and determination.

I see lessons that have forged there way into my very sense of being.

I see a girl who is learning to let go of doubt and face fear and most importantly to believe that anything is possible with hard work and a fierce attitude of never giving up.

I see a girl who can hear what her heart has to say, but know she must always listen to her gut....

I see a girl who has learned that sometimes there are just really bad people in this world and the only way to get past them, is to walk away, no matter how much you want to help or save them.

I see a girl that learned being a good person who shows love and kindness will always be the right choice, even when others are cruel and hurtful.  Some one who has learned the truth is more powerful than any lie, and that it is ok to tell those truths no matter how hard they are to admit.

I see a girl who, quite suddenly,  had to be strong enough to become her own damn hero. 


In 2018 I ran more races sub 8 than ever before.  I hit my 8k PR, smashed it actually.  I had some pretty amazing long runs and some even better 90 degree miles.... I learned more about the sport of CrossFit, which had always scared me....I joined a new gym and started lifting more.... I made the most incredible friendships.... and I walked away from a destructive and ultimately abusive relationship... I learned how to let go and keep moving forward. I learned that letting people be there for me was OK.  I learned that sometimes you CAN ask for help.

But my most valuable lesson happened today.  I  stood under a pull up bar, with 7 years of trail and error. 7 years of not being strong enough. 7 years of giving up. I swear I almost walked away like Scarlet and said tomorrow... but instead i took a deep breath and jumped up. I tightened my body and locked my mind on the goal.  As 5 became a strong 6 and 7 became an even stronger 8.... as 8 got really hard and 9 was just raw strength.... i pulled one last time and my chin rose above the bar for 10 pull ups. My feet had never hit the ground.... my kip was good, my body felt so strong. I think I actually said F$%#ing 10.   And I jumped down and knelt there for a moment. And I almost could not believe that the last 7 years had finally come to fruition. I almost could not believe that I had, on the first try today, hit my 10 pull up goal. I ALMSOT did not believe.  But I did believe, and moreover, now I know I can do it.... and I know that while things may take so much time and so much patience.... anything is possible if you keep trying, if you don't give up.... if you have a little faith a little trust....and if you believe.

SO MUCH GAIN

I love my children so much.... they are perfection and all that is good in the world.

I love my body and al that is is capable of doing.... being a strong girl is inspiring and uplifting all at the same time!

I love myself... I love what is broken and I love what is whole, I love who I am and all I have done... I love that I can own my wins and my losses, my bad and my good.... I love everything about me.....

As I say good bye to 2018..... it is not in sadness or anger or resentment.  I say goodbye in gratitude for the hard lessons I have learned and for the person I have become because of those lessons. I am stronger mentally and physically than I ever knew I could be. And this year made that possible. When you lose something... it is usually to make room for what you are about to gain... Today, what I gained under that bar of 7 years..... is big enough to last me a lifetime. And it is just the beginning.



Thank you for taking the time to read this... with love and gratitude.... wishing you a very happy NEW YEAR and lets get ready to kick some major A$$ in 2019.