JTB: RACEWEEK.......Just get to 1 and shake it off..... ready...set.... RELAX

I was looking for scissors. Why can I never find the scissors in this house. Or the nail clippers or the tweezers or matching socks... Oh well... I don't really need them.... They were in the last drawer I opened... My Dad's funeral card was in there and it kind of took my breath away.  I picked up the card and touched his face.  I miss him every day.

Today was kind of a big deal.  For me.  It was the final round in the CrossFit open.  This really cool international competition my gym is competing. It has been one incredible month. And today was the last round and I was going to make it.... I needed 1 rep.  I could surely figure out a way to do anything 1 time.......

4 weeks ago when these work outs started I was 90% sure i could not do anything the games athletes were doing... not even 1 time.... if a friend had not encouraged me to try the heavy weight once... I would not be looking back at the last four weeks in both shock and amazement.  I am always so sure i can not do it...... whatever it is.... it's too hard... it's not possible... I am not good enough.

I think when you fail at something as big as marriage and family.... it shakes up your foundation. Especially when you were the girl with the perfect life... perfect wife... perfect children.... day dream believer... homecoming queen( well court) .... had everything figured out.... FAIL. I think when you are suddenly living a life you never imagined possible.... things start looking different.  This kind of stuff shakes your confidence.... and even though you keep repeating you are strong... you doubt it every time you say it.  Thank god I was a runner and could feel strong for those few miles.... running truly saved my life.... I will never forget that.

I did not know what i was looking for when I walked into CrossFit.... muscle... strength.... a way out.... Everyday I went to the gym and for that 60 min I focused on getting stronger.... on what I could do.... on becoming a little bit better, physically and emotionally.  The day I walked in there, I felt like I was losing almost everything in my life.  I never expected the gains I would get from crossfit... Mentally and physically.  I will never forget the day my CrossFit coach asked if I was ok and I said no... for the first time in my life I wasn't faking anything.  My Dad was dying, my ex had secret girl friends..  yet another relationship failing and so much of life as I knew it was falling apart. I felt like everything inside me was breaking beyond fixing ......And Crossfit became my safe place... my happy place... A place to find my better......to rebuild.....Not to mention the people at my box are the MOST encouraging people I have EVER known.... in my life.  They support everyone in their efforts to be better than yesterday... one more lift, one more pound, one more second, one more round.... one more work out stronger than before this moment...

CrossFit improved my body... my head.... and my running!  And then it was time for the open....... it took me awhile to sign up.... Why would I compete at something I couldn't really do..... "For fun... to learn something about yourself... just to say you did it...."  UM.... that is not me... have you met me..... I don't do anything casually...

At the first work out.... me... doubtful as always.... a friend told me to pickup the heavy weight and do 1.  Just get to 1.  Can I DO that? I can't really lift heavy... Can I? I have never been strong.... it was a facade..... and lifting heavy will expose that fact.... right?  But maybe... just maybe I can get to 1......This became my mantra for the month.... if I could do 1 rep..... 1 movement.... I could stay in the game.... I can't explain how things suddenly came together for me in away I never knew possible.... We truly have some great coaches.... and I had been doing something right for the last 5 months..... The game changed when I managed to get the elusive double under..... and then the 85pd squat cleans.... Just get to 1..... all I needed was 1 and the rest was icing on the still in the game cake.  And as my lifts got heavier... and my confidence grew.... about getting to 1.... and the grit and determination of pushing through became lost in the moment of actually doing it.... my miles got faster..... every run was getting better... my head was strong... my body was ready... and after all this time and all this failure... my heart was healing.... and I was starting to work on myself... with patience, gratitude, and love.... what happened to me when I found Crossfit, was a beautiful thing.... small bites... baby steps... BIG payoffs.... GIANT leaps.... progress.... daily progress.....and healing.

This morning I knew I had a chance of a strong work out.... if I could get through it.... if I could push out the doubt and stay strong..... I knew i could do my best..... it was as if seeing my Dad's face was an affirmation...

There was a point in the 20 min work out I almost broke down in tears.... standing under that bar.... would it really come to pull ups(chest to bar actually...).... that thing I had worked on for years....that I could never quite get.... would it really end with me standing here being able to DO THIS.............. there... with one of my gym idols.....this crazy strong, funny, amazing single Mom that I have looked up to since day 1.... she can lift so much weight it is truly inspiring.  She was so supportive and she pushed me to do so much more...... and when it was over..... I could not even phathom the fact that I had stayed in the game..... 5 insane work outs made to break us.... and I had survived.  And had learned and grown and pushed myself and believed in myself.... over 4 weeks I turned 1 into hundreds and was beyond thankful for my body and my mind and for what I can accomplish when I try..... when I say.....I am doing this..... I can not wait until next year....

1 week from race day.... a race I was not going to run until recently..... I wasn't sure I was ready after losing my biggest fan.... but I never lost him.... he is still here.... sometimes I swear he is giving me strength...

Yesterday was my last long run before the race... each mile made me smile knowing that I was that much closer to completing an incredible training cycle.... UNINJURED.
If you think Crossfit has been too much for me.... if you think Crossfit might hurt..... I can not stress enough... it made me strong enough to FINALLY run paces I have run before and beyond.... WITHOUT injury..... Crossfit has truly strengthened me from the inside out...

I look at my failures in life.... and I think about my failures in running and in crossfit... how every missed time or every missed lift.... is working to make me more capable and to give me the ability to get it right.... failure is the only path to success.... we fail 9 times to succeed in that 10th attempt... and the more we fail the closer we get.... we are learning.... I think that applies to all failures... and without these last 4 weeks... I may not have seen this so clearly.... it is as if everything in life truly comes as you needed it to develop you into the person you are meant to become.... cherish the happy times and humbly acknowledge and learn and grow from the hard times.... and let it all come together to develop the very best version of yourself....

Yesterday before my run.... a video of my Dad showed up on Facebook...weird... right.... 2 days in a row.... 2 major hurdles towards 3 1/2 years of training to beat my Half PR...... not really.... I know my Dad is with me.... and I know this race is going to be amazing... I am finally there... and 31/2 years seems like nothing in comparison to getting were I want to be....


I want to wonder why now.... how did I get here.... why is this happening....I feel like I lost so much on this journey.... but I am not going to think about it... instead I am just going to focus on what I have gained....enjoy it.... I texted my running coach..... "image if I had given up..... I would have worked so hard and yet... never known what I was capable of doing....."  My life is full of failures... my life is full of success... full of sadness... full of amazingness... full of friends.... full of family... full of heartbreak...full of love....full of accomplishment.... when I read all of that... I am grateful beyond belief... because I realize.... my life is FULL.




See you on the other side of FINISH.








and to my EX: it has at long last come full circle... " Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you....I see it all now that you're gone... You're an expert at story and making lines blurry... never impressed with me acing your tests and all the girls you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes... but I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now... I'm shining like fireworks over your town..." And I  am better than fine....and so glad I let you go... I wish the girls luck... may they have strength in playing your dark twisted games.  In losing you... I found me.