Yesterday, I texted these words to my running coach " I am so happy. I am so very happy with running. I could care less about my pace, I can not remember the last time I looked at my watch.
I am just filled with so much joy when I run... I am thankful.. "
"PS can it stay 40 degrees or below forever?"
I started this blog thing years ago because I had so many fast and crazy thoughts while running and being a single Mom, that I really wanted to document them. It is nothing special, there are so many amazing mom runners
I can hardly believe all of the talent and speed and beauty out there! But it was for me.... and my journalism major gives me a love for the written word... since I started blogging, It has been a hell of a journey and it seems that it is only beginning.
I did make it to the start on that frosty morning...
my coach told me that it would be hard but that I would never get there if I don't start showing up......in a tank top, feeling hot, while it seemed most others were bundled up from head to toe on that 20 degree windy morning. I am some how magically impervious to the cold when I am running. Heat will kill me, but cold calms and soothes me like nothing else. These days I get a lot of funny looks running in shorts and a sports bra in the winter months. But, that is just a part of it, I guess. It makes running feel good. I had to learn that about myself.
Running is more than my happy place. Running has saved me over and over again. It feeds my mind and my soul in ways I can never explain. The pure joy I feel in running is un paralleled by any other activity in my life. Except on those occasions that I am able to share running with my children.... THAT is amazing beyond belief.
Since June, I had struggled with feeling tired and in pain and sad. Somehow I made it out to run through the hard times... my coach told me I would find peace in those miles.... ... I ran the miles.... slow, heavy, hot miles. Filled with grief and anger and so much pain. How I longed for the peace that never came.
I remember the day my Dad needed a wheelchair and I would run thinking as you are losing your strength I will fight to keep mine.
I will fight to do what you no longer can. When my legs feel like they can't run a second longer, I will stay strong for you... The 4 months my Dad was sick were the cruelest months, he suffered so fucking much it was just not fair. It was merciless. He was the strongest person I have and will ever know in my life. He was strong until the end. But I somehow can not come to terms with the suffering he had to endure. I kept SO much of his illness to myself until the end.
The ex was almost icing on the misery cake. I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that this person lied to me for 7 years. Pretended to be my friend and lover. While pretending the same with others. It is really really hurtful to know that every memory was a lie. I had to face this in my Father's final days. THAT hurt more than anything I have ever known. All of this at once. I could hardly process losing my father and then discovered the person I put in such a high place in my life, was some one I never knew.
And far worse, the reality was some one I never wanted to know.
And at that point, when my Dad was gone and the true colors of my ex were exposed, and I knew if he would do this to me at this moment, what our future would hold.....there was not an ounce of hope for him being a person worthy of my love, trust and time. Ot anyone's for that matter. He showed me monsters are real.
To this day I make NO apology for how I had to fix what he so carelessly broke..... ME
With all of this in my past, that first race felt so important to me. I knew if I could get there, I could run free of the weight and pain that I had experienced. Once again, my friends and running group came through for me. They were like angels. They encouraged and supported and hugged me so tight. They RAN with me. MY GOD to have the steady feet of another person was amazing and I wasn't in my head. WHY I would be so fortunate I will NEVER KNOW.
And like magic I could run like I have never ran before. Every run since that race day is light and happy and fluid like I have never felt ....And I killed the 8 mile race. I almost can not believe this is happening for me. But I know I work hard.... I am committed.... I have been for SO LONG.
I am finally running free of the weight of insecurity of a bad relationship.... DANG how that held me down always feeling so heavy, I am running with the uplifting positivity and support of my running circle, and, I like to think that my Dad is giving me strength. I know at one point in the later miles of the race my thoughts were not of how hard it was getting, rather I smiled and thought
this is for you Dad, I can do the hard stuff.... I can do this for you...
I am far from over everything that I lost in those 4 months and how quickly things can change... and how cruel some people can be.....but.... at present I am meeting so many new people and having so much fun doing it. I am learning so much about myself...
AND when I run,
I am, AT LAST, at peace.... and filled with love and joy. So much joy... and at the end of my daily miles...
I am somehow sure that joy is what carries me through every current run. And I am excited for what will come next.
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