JTB: Get Me To The Start
" Cause sometimes you just feel tired and weak and when you feel weak you feel like you just want to give up.... but you gotta reach within you to find that inner strength and get that motivation to not give up ... to not be a quitter no matter how bad you just want to fall flat on your face and collapse."
Race week. It is perhaps the hardest season to start... because I know it is without you... and I know without you is now my forever in everything I do...I suppose this is the last big thing I have to do without you.... and I miss you....
I am not a good racer. My head is never in the right place... full of fear and doubt and knowing.... what's coming. IT HURTS. Getting to the start line has always been hard. Since this last November, it has been nearly impossible.
For so long, I was in so much pain that the thought of racing.... no way... my blanket was too comforting at 6am to even thing about moving.... about doing that thing that burns my legs and makes my lungs feel like they are inhaling fire... my head exploding and that feeling of panic....I can not do this a minute longer and vomiting at the finish. Ah Race day. Running miles alone these last few months has provided me a solitude and a therapy I greatly needed. It was just a chance to breathe. Racing is the opposite of breathing... I miss that....
So I tell my coach... I need to get there... I need to get back to who I am. The more I stay out of racing.... the further I get.... and maybe I am very different... but I still crave that feeling of the run and the burn of the race. Get me to the start.
I ask my friends to be hard on me. Remind me of the things I want and the work we do... do not let me be weak. It's time. I am ready. Get me to the start.
And I run. Everyday I run the miles and I let my head fall into place. Pain is a different concept... my comfort has been gone for so long now... what is pain.... what is comfort... I feel nothing expect the air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, and my legs in motion.....just pull in the air and turn it over....
Monday.... miles.... so much doubt.... I can't, I don't want to, I am not ready. TOO much has happened... I can't do this. I am missing major support... My Dad talked to me before almost every race... and he made me strong. He took that 8 year old ballerina and showed her how to throw a punch... and damn I can throw a punch.... My ex... awful person that he was... still kicked my ass in gear to get to the start line of every race.... that much he did for me.... DANG he hurt me.... SO MUCH. He crushed my heart.... he shredded my dignity and he just kept kicking me at the lowest point in my life... I feel like I can hardly move... but NOT THIS. Clarity. NOT THIS. You took so much from me. Almost all I had. But not this motherfucker. Not this. You don't get to take my strong. You do not get to take who I am and what I work hard for and what I have now. Not this. And suddenly I felt light and I just ran. "Try to hold on to it.... cause you may never get it again"
Tuesday...... miles with one of the fastest women I know. I am not intimidated for the first time ever. This is my friend and I am so happy to see her. and again I think of that person who deliberately hurt me.... NOT THIS. You do not get to take this. We wore shorts and our legs were numb within minutes... fluffy snowflakes and wind in our faces.... wet and cold at the end.... Turned out my fastest miles since spring races and all i wanted to do was keep running. I completed 36 strict pull ups that evening and it felt like death. I can not even believe what I have become. Lighter, faster, stronger, confident. HAPPY. Even though after 2 pull ups I wanted to give up..... It was impossible......I wanted to quit... "In my heart of all hearts I know nothing could ever be worse..."
Wednesday...... I am 112 and I put 90 pounds over my head for a 3 rep max. And I run.... easy miles that feel amazing... left left left right left. My daughter tells me she she knows I miss my Dad... she will come to my race to support me. And i am almost overwhelmed by her kindness.....It is incredible when you realize how much support you never knew you had... My children want to help me run.... those babies who have grown up the children of a runner... a limping, always in pain, complaining, tired, sweaty, hungry, runner.... they want to see me do what I have always worked so hard to do.... to live the life I love.....and they will help me.... and when I falter... these unbelievable humans are there to steady me and lead me forward.... thank you.... THANK YOU. I do not deserve you. "till the roof comes off till the lights go out."
Thursday...... LAST RUN. Sports bra and pants. Embracing the chill on my skin....The miles come and they feel fantastic... and i have this...... I no longer run to be strong. I run because I am strong. Nothing can take that away from me. "till my legs give out"
It is the first race of 2019. The first race without my Dad. The first race in almost 8 years without my ex offering support. It is the beginning of a new chapter. The strongest chapter of my life...... "I will not fall..... I will stand tall.... feels like no one can beat me"
.... Get me to the start.
Race week. It is perhaps the hardest season to start... because I know it is without you... and I know without you is now my forever in everything I do...I suppose this is the last big thing I have to do without you.... and I miss you....
For so long, I was in so much pain that the thought of racing.... no way... my blanket was too comforting at 6am to even thing about moving.... about doing that thing that burns my legs and makes my lungs feel like they are inhaling fire... my head exploding and that feeling of panic....I can not do this a minute longer and vomiting at the finish. Ah Race day. Running miles alone these last few months has provided me a solitude and a therapy I greatly needed. It was just a chance to breathe. Racing is the opposite of breathing... I miss that....
So I tell my coach... I need to get there... I need to get back to who I am. The more I stay out of racing.... the further I get.... and maybe I am very different... but I still crave that feeling of the run and the burn of the race. Get me to the start.
I ask my friends to be hard on me. Remind me of the things I want and the work we do... do not let me be weak. It's time. I am ready. Get me to the start.
And I run. Everyday I run the miles and I let my head fall into place. Pain is a different concept... my comfort has been gone for so long now... what is pain.... what is comfort... I feel nothing expect the air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, and my legs in motion.....just pull in the air and turn it over....
Monday.... miles.... so much doubt.... I can't, I don't want to, I am not ready. TOO much has happened... I can't do this. I am missing major support... My Dad talked to me before almost every race... and he made me strong. He took that 8 year old ballerina and showed her how to throw a punch... and damn I can throw a punch.... My ex... awful person that he was... still kicked my ass in gear to get to the start line of every race.... that much he did for me.... DANG he hurt me.... SO MUCH. He crushed my heart.... he shredded my dignity and he just kept kicking me at the lowest point in my life... I feel like I can hardly move... but NOT THIS. Clarity. NOT THIS. You took so much from me. Almost all I had. But not this motherfucker. Not this. You don't get to take my strong. You do not get to take who I am and what I work hard for and what I have now. Not this. And suddenly I felt light and I just ran. "Try to hold on to it.... cause you may never get it again"
Wednesday...... I am 112 and I put 90 pounds over my head for a 3 rep max. And I run.... easy miles that feel amazing... left left left right left. My daughter tells me she she knows I miss my Dad... she will come to my race to support me. And i am almost overwhelmed by her kindness.....It is incredible when you realize how much support you never knew you had... My children want to help me run.... those babies who have grown up the children of a runner... a limping, always in pain, complaining, tired, sweaty, hungry, runner.... they want to see me do what I have always worked so hard to do.... to live the life I love.....and they will help me.... and when I falter... these unbelievable humans are there to steady me and lead me forward.... thank you.... THANK YOU. I do not deserve you. "till the roof comes off till the lights go out."Thursday...... LAST RUN. Sports bra and pants. Embracing the chill on my skin....The miles come and they feel fantastic... and i have this...... I no longer run to be strong. I run because I am strong. Nothing can take that away from me. "till my legs give out"It is the first race of 2019. The first race without my Dad. The first race in almost 8 years without my ex offering support. It is the beginning of a new chapter. The strongest chapter of my life...... "I will not fall..... I will stand tall.... feels like no one can beat me"
.... Get me to the start.
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