JTG: When you change your mind. You change your life.
Miles 827One week ago:
The thing that always gets me in a race is the National Anthem…. it's like….. such a sporting event thing to do…. and it kind of gives you this amazing sense of pride…. like….. I am really doing this…. major sporting event…. and it feels….. really good. To be that athlete(halflete) in the crowd, taking that moment just before the event begins…..
I have been eagerly awaiting this half for MONTHS. Laying low…… not saying much….. it was my first half in so long. And I was ready. I was trained to run a strong half. And that feeling was amazing. I didn't even freak out the night before…..
BLACK FLAG…… so it was kind of raining cats and dogs… no one could see, we were soaked, drowned rat runners…. it was awesome. Running in the pouring rain… feeling strong and fast and like I could maintain and PR and it didn't matter that the wind and the rain was beating down on us… or that no music was playing in my ears….. it was a pivotal moment for me in what it represented…. I over came the weather. Unfortunately the actual race did not over come the weather…. Lighting black flagged the race and we had to turn around and find our way back….. I can't say the rain felt as enlightening on the run back to the car…. but…. you can't win them all on a black flag race day……we did get our beautiful butterfly medals….. so… there's that.
The following morning I partnered up with my awesome running group, who very intelligently, and much to my advantage….. missed saturday's run….. BEST 14 miles. I really needed it. We are all looking at PRs in this falls Marathon.
My weekend was kind of a bulrush whirlwind….. It started fantastic…. awesome, pleasantly perfect Friday night….. and I had really made an effort on the food thing….. eating enough before…. the right foods….. hydrating….sleeping LOTS…... all that stuff I fall short on….. I was leaving nothing up for chance in this race! Race day…. it was a little disappointing….but seriously…. great company… great community…. learned something…. it was a good race.
TODAY
I remember when my injury worried me that I would not hit 1000 miles this year…… and I remember brushing that off…. realizing with marathon season on deck…. not hitting 1000 was near impossible…..
As I have completed all but the last tapper run of the training…. and there is a little sadness, confusion, excitement, anticipation, fear, and restlessness all swirling through my head at the same time…… kind of taking this opportunity to reflect on the past year of running, what I have learned and how I have grown from the experiences…..
When I joined a running group…. I had NO IDEA what to expect. In all honesty I watched this running group for about a year, before I had the courage to contact the coach and say…. help me win. I was scared for a multitude of reasons….. scared of how good these runners were….. of how hard I would have to work…. of failure….. of not being good enough.
At this point I will add, by the time I wandered into that running group… I had all but beat my body down to a weak and injured mess filled with self doubt and a reckless pursuit of PR victory. I had become so obsessed with getting better… with doing more…. training non stop…. sprinting until I collapsed or threw up and then going harder repeating the collapse…. I ran through injury, fatigue, starvation…. everything…. with only 1 thought… get faster. And if I wasn't faster…. I wasn't working hard enough. I don't know how that happened.
It wasn't always this way….. 20 years ago, I ran for the love of running…. the challenge… the feeling…… I didn't know anything about pace and speed and training…. just knew i loved the sport. Loving the sport…. is probably what saved my running….. having great trainers is what eventually healed my body and meeting real athletes ….. getting to run with some of the best most supportive uplifting and talented people ever…. is what finally, after all these years, changed my mind.
To say that i am difficult to train is an understatement. When it comes to competition….I want what I want and I want it now and if I can't have it….. I am a mess. And of course I am always right until I get hurt and come crawling back vowing to listen and then once I am healed…. I am always right….. cycle!
So there I was…. trying to evolve into an athlete of sorts…. a competitive runner…. destorying my body…. as friends gently told me "you do to much….. when do you rest" ….. and I am kind of getting good….. hitting PRs… making times…..so in my head… it's all ok…. By the time I started with my running coach…. I was so broken down…. it was almost an inevitable crescendo of injuries….. and what did I do….. took some NSAIs and said i was fine! Ready to run. It was a grave day when my trainer told me to stop coming to class or I would never become a good runner…. and it was even more bleak when my running coach told me to stop coming to practice until I was healed…. eventually I had to stop everything and do weekly PT to fully heal my body…… and if I was to return to running….. I had to make changes…..
And so began the real journey to greatness….. what I started almost a year ago, when I said….. taking this to the next level…. learning how to really compete…. changing my life….. changing my ways….. and realizing what was important and what was necessary…………
I gave up all work out classes….. and yeah I miss those friends ALOT. Those day to day interactions…… I started to think of my running as my work outs….. I forced myself to run group every tuesday, kind of scared, knowing no one and STRUGGLING through these workouts after over a month off. Wanting to cry at how slow I was….. feeling like I had somehow lost it…… but still pushing on….. I limited all activity to 2 30 minute lifting sessions and 4 days of running. nothing more. And I ate and ate and ate. and slept. no more going out on saturdays….. no more drinking….. just listening….. and letting the people that knew their jobs…. do their jobs….. continuing to show up with one thought…. I will work hard today……. whatever that means…..most of all… I let enough be enough… I learned the balance between working hard and over doing it….. I was able to race and think… yes I can push this…get a better time…..collapse and puke at the finish risk injury… OR I can pull back just enough to run hard and be good to my body…. and work to be faster next time…..
I do not know what my future brings…… but for the first time….. I have no time goal in this Marathon….. I want to run strong and hard…… and love every second….. and then come back and get better….. slowly…… work harder towards my goal…… I want to watch my friends run their marathon and accomplish their goals….. I want us to challenge each other….. change each other in the process…… I am thankful for…..this day…. these 20 miles….in which I feel no pain or fatigue…. my support group…. for my ability to run…… It has been along time coming but somehow along this journey I found……. belief in myself…… and when you believe yourself….. anything is possible. CHICAGO READY at last……..
FOOD: Protein….SO much protein…. eggs….meat….shakes….. BREAD…. omg BREAD ….. I am really trying to up those carbs for the long runs…..
WORKOUTS: lifting is pretty minor this close to race…. so my 30 min sessions are light weights…. a little boxing…. AND ROWER 2000 meters in under 9 minutes!!!! Not that I have worked on hitting that that for like EVER! Gave up….. and then one day decided….. lets try this again!
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