A Brave New Year

When I was 12, my Dad began his great quest of introducing me to literature. I remember being so excited about summer break... having just bought several Sweet Valley High books - I could not wait to spend my days doing nothing and reading about high school drama in the 80s..... and then- The first book was "The Old Man and the Sea". My Dad said - read it, then let me know you have finished, we will discuss, and I will give you a new book. Yeah... it was a dream summer - let me tell you....The Pearl, Lord of the Flies, Grapes of Wrath, War and Peace, my Dad's ever favorite... The History of Mankind... by the time I arrived at college, I had read so many books - I was so fast and efficient at consuming literature - I read Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment in a weekend. My Dad had not only educated me in litearature, he taught me how to comprehend and discuss - and COMPARE. There was almost nothing I could not draw from - nothing I could not understand in the written form - it was probably the greatest gift he ever gave me. With everything I have read - and the parallels I can't help but make... the world is a bit scary right now.....it's not 1984 or A Brave New World... but ... it kind of.... and..... I digress - Lately.... there is just nothing to say....I poured my entire heart and soul out between 2018-2019 unitl there was just nothing left to write......working on myself is the greatest.. "me project" I have ever started- since the reading thing at 12....... and it is keeping me pretty busy...sometimes I read back to the early and happy beginning of this blog. Other times I read the darker posts and I start to cry because I honestly can't believe how fast things can cahnge and also that I came out of that. I remember telling some on about a year ago that I wasn't sure I would ever fully heal... and i think at this point healed or not healed... I am just... better. 2021 inspiration: Do something that ignites your soul with undiluted passion and a glow of incandescentcy..... New year.... not a new me- but definitely looking to improve upon old me... well/ not old... never old....sophisticated me. 2020 was an epic year of learning and growth - most of it - in doors..... Probably the most important lesson 2020 taught me was that in this sport of life- you will inevitably find yourself on a team- this is the people who surround you, comprise your day to day, fill your time. You MUST choose your team wisely- as they will not only take up head space and precious time, they will motivate, inspire, cultivate some of your development- but they can also, disappoint, quit, or just not work out - a team is only as strong as it’s weakest player- and one bad player can influence an entire team. I also learned to do my best anyway- despite the team- but above all I learned - some members of your team are there for a lifetime, others are only there for a season- it will surprise you to discover who is who- but changing things up and replacing certain team mates...will only make you stronger, more resilient, and happier. This year I did something crazy-I kind of stopped running races. IKR....... like I said - crazy. I started Olympic lifting. I focused on becoming really strong. I started eating massive amounts of clean food. I started to perform well. And when I did run- it was not only faster it was pure bliss. Olympic lifting is hard for me to grasp. Sometimes- it’s scary and exhilarating all at the same time.... I use to think my explosive quick twitch muscles were pretty useless as I got older- Olympic lifting taught me how to start using what I have in terms of power. I dont think I’ve ever done 1 or 2 repetative movements so many times just to get better at them. Snatch and Clean and Jerk x 100000000000000......and counting......Unless running is just one continuous movement. I will say - the years upon years of running taught me more than I ever imagined.... it made me tough.... it made me patient. It made me appriciate working really hard for very small gains.... I absolutley love what running has done for me in so many ways...

This year....I took a few steps on my hands... I became efficient at skills I thought were impossible.

I started running with my daughter. She is SO MUCH faster than I am. I saw people die. I missed my family. I wondered what my Dad would have thought of covid. I spent time with my children- time I would not mind repeaating over and over and over. I played monopoly, watched classic movies with my son, watched my oldest become just the best artist I’ve ever seen- oh and I found the love of my life. He's a dachshund. ;)

I became a damn good healthy cook. Completed the 800gram challenge. Became a level 1 olympic lifting coach. Wrote a book of at home, no equipment work outs. Started working on my nutrition certification. This year my career became better than ever. Life became happy, healthy, and amazing again. This year I learned how to keep my head down and work on myself. No glory, just guts. I learned we are not weak, just because we break.... that we are always strong enough to put ourselves back together.... every. single. time. We are never weak, we just do not know our own strength. Until we do. This year I learned so many lessons- life is just that- a journey of lessons, an on going road of finding ourselves along the way.... I still have to ask myself....Why do I enjoy hard things- why do I enjoy a challenge- why do I enjoy braking myself down to overcome and become .... there have been so many times I have cried- "why can’t this be easy" all of it- life- parenting- relationships- running- CrossFit- lifting- just fucking anything.... something..... WHY can’t this be easy- I say these words only to find myself undertaking another monumental and impossible seeming task- because - I failed at it - and that caught my attention- failure sets something completely a blaze in my heart - failure is what makes me step back and say- now I’m going to succeed at this. As if I go through life saying please break me- please make me pay attention by showing me you are stronger than me- so I might have the opportunity to do what I once could not. If it is easy- it is not meant for me. After all, if it's easy... is it even worth it? And that is a very hard road. Because it means watching it come easy for others(perception in a bitch)- while I fail over and over again- it means keeping the faith and believing beyond the failures- never losing hope - perseverance in the face of defeat- it means time- blood sweat and tears- feeling less than but believing with everything you have that it will happen and that success is inevitable- it means fighting against the odds. It means learning from others- being humble- and working your ass off. And... what a lesson.... what a journey..... but it also means .... the fire inside must burn brighter than the fires around - it means a lot of believing in myself when there is absolutely no reason to - it means never doubting that it’s possible. And in the end, that takes ALOT of self love, a lot of possitive self talk.... it takes a good team.... and really supportive team mates. A fire can blaze, brilliant, beautiful, and bright - or it can be completely diminished to smoke and ashes and darkness - it depends on how the flames are cultivated. But also- I know too well what arises from smoke and ash - the pheonix.... - on the other side of it all - beyond pain and failure and disappointment... and destruction... beyond the death of our hopes and dreams - the pheonix will rise - and from there - we begin again... with nothing to hold us back from the success we have returned to take - here is to another New Year and rising from the past to take our hopes and dreams back- with love in our souls and peace in our hearts.... and if we are lucky- a vaccine in our arm. We survived 2020. The brave new year awaits us.