JTG: Sometimes it is in failure that we learn victory

MILES 1043



I had this goal…. when I started my blog almost a year ago….it was something I saw as attainable but never believed I would accomplish…. it was easy to say… and much harder to comprehend. I thought about it for so long…. ran with it weighing heavy on my mind…. I wanted it SO BAD.  I remembered how hard to was to break 2 hours on a half marathon….. how many failed attempts… missing my goal by seconds…. I remember the disappointment… the agonizing times that I just wasn't quite good enough. Almost…. but not quite….. but more than that… I remember the victory….  the day I was good enough…… and once that happened…. my goals only got bigger…. with a mere 153 as my PR… a number that still shocks me in a good did I really do that kind of way……  I set my sights on a 149….. doable…. but not quite in my head.  Although, this journey is teaching me that we go far beyond our cognitive comprehended aspirations when we are lead by the less tangible aspirations of  heart and soul.

I set out this year to not only become the healthiest version of myself…. but to run a 1:49.  And I failed and I failed and I failed. Spring season was probably one of the worst few months I can remember…. from hamstring to knee to hip and glute injuries my mental resolve hardened, it was all confirming my belief that I had set my sights to high…. that I, in fact, did not have what it takes to be great or even good.   I cried and I pushed myself to pain and more injury and then I cried some more.  I took time off and cried.  I was disappointed….. I felt lost…. I was just so sad that it seemed I couldn't do it…. You can do anything if you want to enough, work hard enough, keep trying enough…. My first attempt was my worst run ever… 18 minutes added on to my PR.  it was humiliating…. it was sad….. it should have been an indicator to stop….. but pushing that injury and pain out of my head….. I would line up for 2 more races before taking almost 2 months off from running….. yet that ridiculous heart beating in my chest….. never gave up…. it was set on 1:49….. and so we would try again……

We trained all summer and fall….. And my numbers were just not quite there.  Some miles were fast… but it wasn't consistent…. The only thing I knew was that it was becoming fun to train.  I was looking forward to tuesday nights…. seeing my friends…. I didn't mind early to bed on friday to have a great Saturday run…. There were pivotal points in my training…. the first came when I was desperately trying to get back under 9….. I was holding an 8:58 and so tired….. I wanted to slow…. a good friend jogging by saw I was slowing down and knowing my goal, without hesitation…. he stopped his run and came to my side determined to help me hold pace for that last half mile…..the second was on a long run we took to the hills….. at this point I did not have strong hill training and was not at a good place on my distance runs…. I broke and had to walk about a half a mile…. another good friend came to my aid and walked with me….. I think the biggest moment was the first longest run….. there were heart filled stories and I think even a few tears….. and I had been afraid of the distance…. and with my running friends….. I got through a lot that day…. more than just the run……..

At some point…Inch passed away…. we welcomed another anole named Slice and a hermit crab in a baseball shell names Mr. Red….. and while I tried to stay really busy and really focused…. I think sometimes i felt really alone…… Not sad…. just like no one could really identify with my life…. and I kind of ran with that…ran to forget that….

As my confidence started to grow and the training progressed…. i would again have my chance at that 1:49…… running in the pouring rain… with one of my fastest friends and me keeping up the whole way…… our race would be cancelled due to lightning…… and yet my heart still wanted it….. the year was nearing a close…. my marathon was on deck…. that was top priority … 1:49 would have to wait.

After a phenomenal Chicago marathon…. a PR and a race that left me not one bit sore…… it seemed I would get that final chance at a 1:49…… The Indianapolis Monumental Marathon was 4 weeks after chicago…. and while I ran a great 26.2….. and my body was fine…. I was feeling the exhaustion mentally and physically of my training and also the emotional ups and downs of the year…. My coach assured me I would run well…. he reminded me this isn't my race… it's an add on…. have fun…. you just ran a marathon….. but all I thought of was…….

The 4 weeks were almost torture…. a week off….. light runs… slow runs… good days….bad days……days filled with dread about running 13 miles…. days where I was convinced the 10 mile long run at a 9:35 pace would never carry me or the tempo run for only 8 miles was far too short….. I stuck with it, listening to my coach… only doing as he said… letting go of what I thought and putting my faith in the person I believed could get the job done……he said it was fine…. good days and bad… marathon recovery…. with 26.2 behind me an 8 was ok… my training wasn't gone…. I had just run a marathon and this was just for fun….. I was unsure almost every single day of those weeks following the race… not of my ability to run, but of my ability to handle another (and as the year was ending) seemingly final failure……. tuesday we ran in the rain…. pouring, dark, cold, sprinting…. the progression run just before the big day where i fell into step with runners FAR to fast for me and as the sun set and we were in total darkness I had no choice but to stay at their pace….these were the moments leading up to the race…. then my shoes worn to thin needed to be replaced….. 4 days before the race…..

And my Mom was by my side every step….. making me get new shoes…. making me eat healthy…. making sure i got enough sleep……. and My awesome kids were excited….my friends were so supportive…... it was my last chance for a 1:49 in 2015….. there might be other half marathons….. but after training hard for Chicago and a marathon backed right up to a half… my body would need a break….

 I think it was the Sunday before the race that I finally woke up and deep down I thought….. you can do this…. I killed 2 short runs that week….. and then…… I rested…. I cried some more….. I panicked….. cried some more…. ( I am really a crier sometimes!) I released everything…. I let it all go……doubt, fear, worry, and I thought of one thing….. have fun….. as the owner of my favorite running store once said…. when you start having fun you will begin to hit your times…... and then I went to sleep and prepared to run my heart out.

When I got my race bib I was appalled to see a SEEDED bright orange sticker….. PRESSURE BIB….. When I got my fortune cookie I was really upset to see "you will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you"  PRESSURE FORTUNE.  I can't do it my head screamed….. you can…. my heart echoed…..

And as we met up that race morning…. ready for what ever the day would give….. it seemed there would still be obstacles baring my 1:49……My friends were excited…. many running the full…. we were all nervous and happy and maybe a little scared….. we parted ways and prepared to race…..

Seeded in C,  I was crammed and jammed and far from the start…. it took us 2 minutes to get to the start line from our front corral….. No room to move. How would I ever get out of this….. To my left was another very good runner…. a 1:48 runner….. a running friend with whom I had once run 2 hour marathons along side of….. a runner who had long since passed me in speed and skill…for this was the year I would see so many of my friends meet their goals…. hit PRs and I would just keep trying…. not quite making it or failing miserably….. .All of that aside….. At that moment  I was SO HAPPY to see familiar faces…. not knowing what to do I placed myself behind the 3:35 marathon pacer hoping that would get me out….. and the race began.


Miles 1-13.1 THE PERFECT…... STORM

Mile 1…. watching my watch…..focused on my breathing… wearing shorts and a long sleeve, my legs were getting numb…. did I pick the wrong clothing… oh well just run…. watch buzz mile done 8:45… too slow WAY WAY WAY too slow for a first split runner(meaning I run my first half faster)….

Mile2-3 running…keeping it small conserve energy listen to my body….. stay with the 3:35 pacer….. 2 more miles until water and gel…. keep running … 8:25……..still to slow…. then 8:01….. now we can think about an average…..

Mile 4 my long sleeve comes off and I am wearing my racing team shirt.  and I am running well…. getting tired though…. feeling the breakfast I did not eat……  Stay strong until 5…. then

Mile 5 GEL water and my energy picks up almost instantly… I am hitting 8:01, 8:03 8:03 and I know at this point I have averaged out and if I can stay strong I might be ok….

Mile 6 running fast and strong and HELLO to my fast running friend from tuesday night!  And for a mile and a half I run with my fast friend talking about how awesome the weather and race is…. as the course splits and he heads to the marathon left I veer to the right and he tells me…. be patient on the hills.  HILLS????? I thought this course was flat…. 8:06

Mile 7….. running good… I am half way… pick it up and 7:57!  I have bought myself some water time…. I grab a cup still ruing and take 1 sip and off

Mile 8…. Just focusing on each mile…. right now under 8:20 stay strong and gel at mile 10……..8:0something

Mile 9…… keep going…. hill and make another friend…. we talk for a mile…. and 8:01

Mile 10….. should I gel…. time check… I have a 1:49…. no gel.. sip of water and keep running…… 8:03…. I am tired… I should have gelled…. I can't…..

Mile 11….. I am getting so tired and slowing my watch shows a 9:20….. my head screams you just ran 26.2 you run these last 2 miles… YOU HAVE THIS.  8:02

Mile 12……. last mile and I can… I can… I just know I can… stay steady stay calm… stay small…stay fast and my friend from the start is beside me a half mile to go….. she says we are going to get a 1:49 and a whole lot better and we run and we run and we are so close and I tell myself to stay steady… all I need is a steady mile and I have my 1:49…..and we turn and the finsih… I see it is still in the 1:40s and I just want to cross seeing that number and my legs pick up and I speed towards the finish as fast as I can and we fly and we cross and ……… I CRY.  I cry because I wanted THIS so bad… and today…….not quite good enough becomes enough… today…...failure became success…. today I know victory…. 1:47:49.

 I will remember this day for a very long time to come…… My first negative split….. It was the day I learned to believe in myself…. that anything is possible if you work hard enough and keep trying no matter what, that sometimes it seems your world and all of your dreams come together in a perfect and beautiful culmination of events and you know….. and you believe…. in you….My race was so different…. it never hurt and I was no longer overcoming something…. there was no music… there was no pain… it was just me doing what I loved…. being in tune with everything I was feeling and ….. running.  This was the day….. there was nothing to run from or run to…..there was only that fantastic feeling of fluid motion…. only running.