JTB: Puzzled

Image result for defeat
MILES 625


When I was young, I remember being very impatient with puzzles….. they were the WORST grab bag gift….. and something I wanted nothing to do with…… until later…. I became fascinated by how all those little pieces fit together to form a whole…. each tiny piece was a part of something far greater than itself… and of course….I needed to know……. how fast I could put it together.

It is the end of the season and all of the big races are done…. what remains are short or crazy races for the super tough or the psycologically impaired….. WHO races in 90 degree heat? But I guess if you are a runner, you just do it….. because… well… runners run… and races let us test our toughness… and validate our efforts.

My run group is full of super stars…. and these super human runners are always encouraging me to do better….. lifting me up….. making me believe I can…. and I was so happy to see them winning today….. I take pride in the fact that my run group… can beat ANYONE….. just try to race us…. you will see.

Image result for successIs it hard to run with them? UM …..YEAH….. SURE….. they win like everything….. they are so fast and so strong and so good….. it can almost be discouraging….. but then…. you meet them and suddenly you realize in addition to winning… they really want to help everyone else get better too…. and before you know it….. it is like…. if I can't win… it better be them!  Running with the elite is a win/win… for everyone involved….. I have never had quite as good a feeling as cheering someones name and watching them smile and get that final burst of energy from the crowd…. as they WIN the race…..and it has now happened to me…. multiple times.  And I actually know them…. not OF them. And we do similar training runs…. and I see them flying by in practice…….. And they 100% inspire me to be better.

Image result for success
Racing is tricky.  For along time I just wanted to make it…. then I wanted to beat everyone…. then I wanted to beat myself…. and now….. I just want to pass people and do whatever I can to stop people from passing me…. and I am completely thinking strategy at every mile…. unless I am dying and then I think things like just turn you feet over…. just don't stop….just keep going and whatever you do don't let those impending footsteps get too close! And if you do pass me…. be prepared to work for it and use some of your energy…. I will drain you before I let you pass, but I will let you pass before you drain me…. WOW…. who AM I……

It is not even about time anymore…. I may glance at my watch to check heart rate…. but the numbers do not matter…. my head is suddenly in the race…. and I don't even know how it got there…. all I know is one day….. I was done getting passed and I was not going to be broken by anyone else, but me.

Image result for defeatSo today… this crazy, wonderful, insane day… where I ran so slow and felt so heavy and was more than disappointed that my 5k mile time was about the same as my half marathon mile time…. as I just let it go and looked to the next step in becoming better…. thinking it was decent hill and heat training….. I was suddenly looking at my first 5k age group win…. SAY WHAT?  hold on…… a 26something wins….. thats an 8:30 pace…. I mean sure it was like 80 with 70% humidity and not much cover….. yeah we ran through the grass in some places and the brick roads were a little choppy.  Yeah the first half mile was pretty much all up hill and there were hills throughout…. until that ending half mile when we had to come down….. THANKFULLY…. a 26something was 4 minutes off goal…. and entire minute a mile off pace…. I was a turtle….. I was chewing the air it was so thick and I remember thinking if anyone pays attention to breathing they know I am done here….. My breathing is saying I have already lost the race…. in the first uphill, chewy air, so hot, am I in a pool, slow motion mile.  And then….. IT GOT SLOWER….. and then it got faster and then it was done.  UGH and seeing that time SUCKED.  Actually thought I might have been one of the last runners out there at one point…. I thought…. 4th place probably…. out of 4…… I never, ever, close to imagined….. 1/22. with the 2nd place almost a minute behind me…. it was never even close. And yet, at the time, I was aware that some people who flew passed me on that first mile….. fell back on that last mile….. I saw myself gaining ground… slowly  passing other runners….. moving forward and able to do it and maintain……
Image result for success
Well…. needless to say, I about started crying.  Because today,  I did not fall short….. I was never thinking about the win….. but I was thinking about competing…. passing….not breaking…… and if some one was going to pass me… I was going to make them work for it…. until I knew I had to pull back….. waste their energy without touching mine…. and I will catch you later….. on that last mile!

After my run, I went to my son's baseball game, they won…. positioning them as a 1 seed in the playoffs(could be 2 depending on the weekend games).  My son is also on a team with super stars…. he missed 3 consecutive seasons for broken arms… and is still catching up…. but I can see his athleticism even if he can not.  And I want to tell him, when he strikes out or misses a catch…. it's ok… I am proud of him no matter what…. because the thing about hard work….. it inevitably pays off….

Image result for successMaybe the real training is the slow crawl in 90% heat…. and getting up to bat time after time without being discouraged….. and doing a back hand spring 1000 times to get it right once…. and continuing to do your best in a subject when a teacher tells you you're not good enough…… ALL of these things matter in the big picture……

They win you 1/22 when you least expect it….. they make you part of a winning baseball team…….win state championships……..and place you in the 98th percent of the state for mathematics at age 11.

So…. when the day to day is not easy….. and I am discouraged….. and feeling overwhelmed and over tired and over alone and just kind of over in general…. when I am exhausted at putting fourth my best effort….. I focus on the big picture…. the real win…. and I remember that all of this is a small part of a greater puzzle in which every piece fits together to complete once masterpiece of excellence ….. which is ultimately…...to become the very best we can possibly be…… and I dare say that my entire little family is putting the puzzle together quite well.




Image result for defeat

Food and exercise…. focusing on more protein and more AB work!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I just hit.... pause

Image
2020 A few weeks ago, this blog had a very different beginning.  I was about to publish... when I came across this photo..... I love this picture of myself.  I am not sure the photographer knew everything he captured in this moment.  This was after facing some of my biggest fears and learning some invaluable truths about myself. 2018-2019 was a year of learning.  This photo is a picture of a girl who felt like she had lost almost everything, who felt so devastated and so tired.  But somehow, she found the strength and perseverance to keep moving forward... no matter how weak she felt or how hard it got.... and in that prolific moment of realization.... I wrote a new beginning to this story.  I have read that the times we feel crushed, pressed, under extreme pressure, or in total darkness are paths to powerful places of transformation.  I see that now, as I am emerging into new beginnings...That is to say, over a year ago, when I was in so muc...
Read more

One Year Epilogue

Image
Well... I am coming up on the one year mark from what I thought might be the end of life as I know it. One year ago, my Dad was very sick, one year ago I discovered that some one I thought the world of was ready, willing,  and able to hurt me more than I ever thought I could bare... one year ago.... I started crossfit... one year ago I was running for the single purpose of trying to breathe. One year ago...felt like I had been knocked down so far... I would never be able to get up...  and I made it. It was October when I walked into that crossfit gym.  Damn I was so thankful for those moments of beating the F out of my body so that I felt something... I was so numb.... I looked forward to that hour... I felt almost nothing... I left shaking and sore and tired and... not devistated...not sad.  That one hour a day was the ONLY thing that kept me sane a year ago. When I recap this in my head... I was helping take care of my Dad, my Mom also became ill... I had a gre...
Read more

Sometimes the best plan... is...no plan

Image
Life is kind of like " the train that crashed my heart... the glitter in the dark..." This blog started as my single Mom running diary.  It has served me as an outlet through some of the hardest times in my life...Times I felt completely alone. This blog has helped me process, appreciate myself, it has documented my incredible personal victories, it has recorded monumental heartbreaks.  Most importantly, it has let me be me. Pouring my head and heart out in cyber space.  It is time to begin where I left off..... or perhaps even,..... before I started....  Circa 2015........ 2014 - Mid summer. It was unseasonably hot. I drove 9 hours to drop my youngest off at a camp, and 7 more hours to meet my dad at his cabin in the mountains.  I did not have AC, but, being no stranger to 4/65 AC and lots of water.... it didn't feel like a big deal to be driving with no AC.  In summer, with my children... we would make it.  We had made it this far.   My Dad met ...
Read more