JTB: The one I didn't run

Miles 1051

I am not sure how to start this one. Big pile of sobs and a one liner..... There will be no Chicago Marathon for me this year.  Right in the middle of what should have been my taper and I have an injury that can not be overcome.... can any really? Or do we just negotiate it better in our heads sometimes..... Truthfully, I don't want to run injured.....Maybe 5 miles.... but not 26.2.  And the other truth.......the novelty of running a marathon is long gone....This time I want to run well.

What is well..... I don't know anymore..... The more I run, the more I am realizing..... good.... or above average is the hardest place to be..... because you can see the top.... but no matter what you do you can't seem to get there....... Every race when that fast pack pulls away..... spreading the distance between them and the "medium fast" I see it..... where I want to be..... getting further and further away.... with every huff and puff and perfectly cadenced step I take.....

So as I sit here..... injured once again, I wonder.... why do I push SO HARD.  Why do I sometimes work until I am near collapse, run until I puke, obsess over what I could have done better, use up every ounce of energy I have to run just a little bit faster... and then belittle what small strides I have made.... and criticize my efforts.... and how in the world can I do it all with a smile.....? When I feel pain, I can't help but wonder if I have somehow traded comfort and health for shiny medals and place awards that mean nothing to my body..... as I let go of my big race.... of what I have trained all year to run.........


In about 6 years..... I have been happy with my time once...... in about 10 years I have appreciated my bodies ability to run...... never..... and every time I am hurt I swear I will do better to be happy with my ability and I will recognize my strengths and I will just be thankful that I can run..... but not this time...... right now..... as I sit here.... I can only say...... I am done pushing so hard. I am done with appreciating and criticizing and coveting and wondering and wanting..... I don't care. I will either get better or i will not..... I am done telling myself to enjoy the journey.... I am done with times and places and crying about not being good enough. I no longer what to... "get it".  This time, I want "it" to come to me.

I want to run and just love what I am doing.  No journey, no goals, no analyzing, no complaining, no comparing.  I want to do speed work and not feel like I am going to die. I want to work below 85-90% sometimes.  I want it to feel good. I want my smile to be genuine every time. I want to embrace the gift of being able to run and love every second. I want to listen to music and laugh with my running friends.  I want to enjoy races and see them as a challenging run.... I don't want to panic because I am so sure I will disappoint myself.  I want a race to be something to have fun with, to see how strong I can be, instead of seeing them as the biggest failures in my life. I want to take something I love so much and make it about good..... about great experiences.  I want to embrace  what my body can do.... I want to be proud of my fast runs and even more proud of my slow runs..... I want to feel good inside and out. I want the beauty I see and feel while running to extend to what I see in my accomplishments.  I never want to look at another race again and say I failed, I can't even begin to tell anyone how hard that is......  I want to be ok with where I am. I don't want to see myself as medium fast... I just want to see myself as a runner.

So I am done pushing...... and I am ready to see what comes my way if I just work hard and do what I love..... and I am ready to take care of my body...... I am ready to say..... if i can not do what my body asks, how can I expect it to do what I ask?  So, maybe I will get better and maybe I won't. I am just going to keep running. That is all I really want to do anyway! Besides..... Chicago did offer me a deferment.... so I have an injury to heal and a race to train for.... and this time I want to remember to love every minute of running.