JTB: The Calm Before the Storm.
2867 Miles and almost 2 years of training..........Everyday a run appears on my schedule, I do the run, without fail. I do not question how, why, or if.... I do the run. And then, wait for the payoff. Some runs are hard because they are suppose to be. Some are hard because they just are.... and some are peaceful and calm and pure happiness. But not a run goes by that I don't feel a small nagging belittling frustration.... why wasn't I faster.... why wasn't I better..... but still.... the running continues.
Last year sucked. Last year I backed out of 3..... 1.2.3 full marathons.... and I over trained. So stuck on a number I would run until I had to stop and catch my breath.... pause my garmin... and run again. For miles.... for months.... and I was pretty fast. Until I was hurt and even then.... I kept running. This. Is. Not. Last. Year.
This year I slowed down... let my body be what it was.... I enjoyed runs... I felt thankful... I did the raw gut it out work in the winter cold and summer heat. I failed and I succeeded collectively. I had great races and tearful ones.... and I got stronger. My running became better. I learned. I ran my long runs both stronger and faster than I ever have in my life....and I am ready( I think).
My foot is taped and I am typing in Birkenstocks. But, I did my 10 on Sunday and today there is little to no pain in my foot. And I know that if I rest, my body will give me the strength I need to run my 8th marathon. So instead of slow and steady miles of nostalgia and building my confidence... I wait.... I rest.... I heal.... and work on training my mind. I have missed about 3 runs in the 18 week training cycle. They have all been in the last week. I was told there would be hard runs training for this marathon... but I expected them to come BEFORE a week away.
My friend told me yesterday she was told to "let go of as much shit as possible before the race." So in these days that follow.... that is what I will do as well.... I will lighten my body, my mind, my very spirit... so that my new found weightlessness carries me to a stronger than ever finish. My foot is going to be fine.... RIGHT?!?! Scratch that.... I am going to be 110% ready to run this race. The mind is so tricky in the days before a big race.... doubt, fear, calm, freaked out, yes, no, ready, not ready.... why isn't there MORE time!Letting go..... I guess we put it all out there and say goodbye.... so that when I get to the start all of this is but a distant memory of what was weighing me down:
I have not failed at my life because I am a single mom. In fact I have succeeded beyond belief in raising these amazing creatures and in putting our happiness above any ideal or mold or lifestyle. From now on.... I am a success BECAUSE I am a single mom. and a DAMN good one.I will not dwell on those who ignore, belittle, or to be honest don't measure up to the so many amazing people I have in my life... the world is full of so many people and places.... and I choose to have the good people.... the uplifting people.... the people who are there when I need them and more importantly when I say I don't need them..... the people who have believed in me for SO long. I am so lucky.
I choose to believe in the good. Always believe....in the good that is in this world. I believe in human nature, I believe in the people I love and who have shown me so much kindness and support, and I believe in us as a society. No matter what.
I will not be defined by failure. What EVER happens in this race... it was always and will always be a story of success.... and a beautiful, fulfilling, life learning journey that has taught me so many wonderful things about my self and about others... it has made me humble and it has made me strong. I am thankful for the experience.
My youngest daughter is my idol, my hero, and in so many ways, my mentor, she has won 5 first place state medals over the various years. Before races... I will often think back to that one state meet.... where she needed a big score in the last event to win it all... and she went all out.... the best and biggest she had ever done on the beam...it was amazing.... she risked everything.....she risked a secure 2nd place in the all around ..... put it all out there.....and we watched holding our breath....and.... she fell.... eyes glistening with tears, she got back up, her head held high and finished her routine. It was such a brave and bold effort, it would in fact knock her off the podium and give her a 4th all around finish at the state meet. Almost daily she repeats a series of tricks, over and over and over.... a year, sometimes two years of the same repetition... failing and falling, again and again.... continuing for the 1 day she can get it right. And at no point in her training will she NOT look you dead in the eye and say.... I am the best.... I will win.... She could miss every trick, fall on every event, cry, get frustrated, have days where it just won't come together and she is pounding the floor in frustration... and she will still... with out a doubt tell you... she is the best. THAT. JUST THAT. That is what a winner is made of.... a different cut.... a person who doesn't believe.... but knows, with every fiber in their body that they are the best... and even the best has bad days...makes mistakes.... needs to learn.... but when it comes time to be the best... when it matters.... when the competition is for real and mistakes need to be left behind..... that winner rises above every failure and every fall.... and for that moment in time.... they fly. 
Truth be told I am preparing for one hell of a storm and the fight of my life. This time....for this race......no halflete stuff....I just know. It is time to fly...until we meet again. I will see you on the other side of FINISH.
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