JTG: lost in the translation

So, this is day 4.  No running.  No running, no hiit, no boxing, no bootcamp.  And I didn't die.  I feel like I might be severely depressed, I want to cry every 5 minutes and I have only enough energy to lay in bed.  But I am surviving.  I imagine when I finally run again, the sharp pull of the inhale will burn my lungs and I will be filled with struggling to maintain any pace at all.   Hello, my name is Shannon and I am an exercisaholic…. So I am kind of looking for wisdom, strength and courage….  The wisdom to listen to my body, the strength to follow through on listening to my body and the courage to get in there and race again.

I keep seeing all of these Chicago Marathon posts… and I am almost fearful…. I could barely run 13.1 on sat… how ever will I run 26.2…. That was a different girl who did that before… not me… I don't like pain… as much as I like running…. I have discovered… I also like walking…. very much.  And since I have been trying to ignore this injury…. I can't remember the last time I took a step pain free… a month maybe?  So I am resting.  And missing my daily running… but also fearing it.

I started looking back over my race day photos…. over the years…. the smiles…. the fun…. the memories…. WOW I use to be so proud of what I could do…. It was a big deal to me to finish those races…. running the whole way.  WTH happened to THAT.  I guess, over time… I just decided I wanted to keep up ….. like in life….. right… you want what everyone else has… and then you get there and you are like OMG I don't want THIS.  THIS was not on the advertisement…. no thank you I am going back to my happy place…. but then…. you lose your way back…. like in the middle of nowhere and you completely lost your self along the way… too caught up…. ego, pride, competition…..   just lost… and I guess when you are lost, losing is a natural progression….

I really feel like I lost something big.  I am not sure I ever want to run a distance race again.  I am afraid.

Runners are a wonderful community of supportive people.   They just take you right in and tell you, they understand, they feel the same way and it will be ok….. no racing….fine! just run…. not pacing… all good…. just run…. terrified…. run…..sad….run…. in the end if you keep running for the joy of running… you will get better.  And I don't mean faster… I mean, you will heal… you will find yourself…. you will get better.

So that is day 4.  Yoga.  Just yoga… humbling non competitive, happy, do what your body can do…. yoga…. but I am totally kicking major A$$!  I am for sure WAY more zen then YOU!!!!!   I don't just miss running.  I miss loving running. I miss being happy and feeling like I accomplished something great.  I lost something very special to me… and I want it back.   I just don't know if I am running towards that something or running away.

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