JTG: The Pace of Perception.

MILES 403(OMG JUST SHOOT ME)

1 full week.  7 whole days. No running. It has been so hard.  It is something I don''t think anyone can understand.  I have been sleeping, hobbling around, dragging myself to yoga in an abhorrently depressed like state.  And the physical pain is beginning to subside….. As Geist draws near and I realize even the 5k is 90% out I am so sad at seeing all I worked for slip away… the emotional pain is really hanging on. OR I really need a good run.

This morning I woke up and realized something.  No matter how much I want something, work for it, try, cry, fight and wish… somethings will never be…. I will only end up with a hurt body and a broken exhausted heart… That sounds so sad and discouraging… but in realizing this, it gives me a chance to find happiness…. nothing is making me sad…. expect expectations…. and ideas of what I want and can not have. I need to let that go or I will lose something far more valuable than running…. I will lose happiness.  People and things don't make us sad, our reactions and perceptions make us sad.  I honestly have been repeating that serenity prayer in my head…….(running friend inspiration…?)

Running makes me happy.  Simple. So does winning.  I can't redefine running…. but maybe I can redefine winning. I have so much passion and enthusiasm and I need people and things in my life to match my efforts…. or it will drain these qualities from me…. I need to choose happy. Happy over winning. Running over not running.

I sought out a lot of support from running groups and peers this week… I even wrote a post titled "not meant to be fast" pouring out my disappointments and feelings of failure to others and asking for advice… it turns out…. ALOT of runners feel this way.  And they encouraged me to ask the question what is more important…. a lifetime of running or a few wins…. How silly that things we love can evoke such miserable feelings inside of us….. but in the end….. those feelings were my choice…. they were the result of what I allowed myself to think and feel….

Right now I am eagerly awaiting my first 10 minute run.. I am cleared for this after 2 consecutive days of no pain.  Not there yet and willing to do it right and wait until I get there…. I will continue to sweat it out on the mat….gaining enlightenment and awareness in yoga…… wishing to be running… but genuinely thankful for my bodies ability to heal and allowing myself to appreciate at my strengths… while I work to understand and acknowledge my weaknesses….. knowing my strengths and weaknesses make me the wonderful person I am…….

It is a strength that I can run as I do…. it is a weakness that I refuse to believe my body has limitations… It is a strength that I have the mental perseverance to push through almost anything… it is a weakness that I do not treat my body with compassion and kindness….

Our last school track meet.  Our awesome head coach asked me to help again next year!  I found so much joy in coaching children… in making running fun…. teaching children about putting in the work, but having fun…. working to get better, no matter where you are…. one of my favorite things to say was… the person who is last today could come back as first tomorrow…. it is all about how hard you work for it and who shows up…. I have loved coaching them at the meets and sharing race strategies… I have LOVED seeing some of them so happy at their accomplishments….Their questions, their enthusiasm… ALL OF IT….. Yesterday was incredible…… we had such fighters…. they ran so well!  Perhaps one of my most memorable moments… ever… was when our 1st seeded 400 runner came late, running to the start line… tears in her eyes… strategies and coaching aside I asked her what was wrong…. "I don't think I can do this…. but my Mom…" AH…. this is always tricky as a coach…. and a parent… how do we push supportively….. I stood beside my athlete and I looked her in the eye and I said " What you are feeling right now, run with that."  She wiped her tears, nodded her head in determination drew in a deep breath and took her place at the start line…. and she RAN.  2nd place overall.  Her best ever. I know zero about coaching… but I know about running. Nothing is more motivating in a race than raw emotion and drive. I was so proud of that girl.

But my favorite moment… was my daughter… have I mentioned she hates running…. as she rounded the corner and I ran along side the outer edge of the track, cheering her on the whole way… as she approached the finish everyone was cheering for her… NO JOKE…. it was truly a magic moment….runners are SO wonderfully supportive….and she was smiling and loving it…and THAT is what running is to me.  It's not about a place or a pace or a race…. it is about that smile… that sheer sense of joy from doing what I love……..



But today is Mother's Day…. and I wish for nothing but to be surrounded by the little smiling, loving, happy faces of my amazing children…. I am looking at my running hiatus as a much needed break… and also a warning….. and an opportunity to love my body more and be thankful for my strengths and to be guided by my weaknesses so that I may work to accept, understand and overcome them….. I am so lucky to live my life…… once again running has given me so much….. it is such a gift to have something all my own that inspires me and keeps moving me forward…. I hope everyone finds that…….

No running, no boxing, no lifting, no HIIT…… I am listening….