JTG: 13 miles of happiness

MILES 381

As the 2015 mini marathon draws near and my mind beings to freak out and unravel and doubt and fear and dread fills my head… I have to ask myself why I am doing this.

Running, to me, is perfect and beautiful.  It is something my body handles so well. Mile after mile…. it is refreshing and calming and rewarding and it frees my mind and my soul… and the when I try to define it, to grasp it, to make it more than just a simple act of doing something I love… it becomes my biggest nightmare…… it is so hard and I am so afraid I will fail.  I am so sure I can not overcome.  It is a spiral of doubt and panic that follows me all the way to the start line….. how does something I love so much… become so twisted.

Running 13 miles is great.  I have never walked any of the 30 plus half marathons I have done.  Never once.  I have come to a dead panicked stop pleading with my self to move…. GEEZUS MOVE PLEASE…. but I have never walked.  I am a runner.  I am good at running.  I might not go the fastest or the furthest.  But it is my thing and it is special.  All the way back…. 15 years ago, running down the Ohio river bank with the guys from work…. because girls didn't run…. back then….no one ran! Before garmin or run keeper or anything fancy…. juts shoes and an old CD player and talk of half marathons and fulls….. Dreams of running the big races.  And just happily logging miles and getting stronger.  We had no idea what our time was.  It didn't matter.

It doesn't matter now.  Running 13 miles is an amazing accomplishment.  It is this incredible journey where you learn so much about yourself….. and it changes you for the better….. every time.  For every mile you keep going….. every step you move forward….. it makes you a better person…. because in that moment, that journey is one of greatness….. I believe this.

It doesn't matter how ready I am or am not.  I am a runner.  The half marathon is a great feat…. for anyone…..The day is not defined by a failed time or a bad few miles…. not by injury or a good time or a PR or a medal.  It is defined by those 13.1 miles we move forward…. in strength and in courage.  The day is defined by greatness…..

I want to take a deep breath and believe in running for the beauty and joy of running…. where does that go every race season?  I want to run without fear or doubt or expectation.  I want to run my best race, not to beat some one else or to beat my time…. but to run hard and smart and well AND HAPPY. I want a glorious adventure in which I can look back and say….. That was amazing.  I. Ran. Happy.   I didn't start running to be winner.  I started running to be me.  I remember when the owner of my favorite running store…. sensing my frustration in my race times… said to me….. "When you start having fun, you will hit your goals.  You will start to win and you will never look back." I guess i have to believe that if I keep doing what I love…. it will come…. steady improvement….. I will get better.  If I keep working hard and loving what I do……surly there will be a moment in time when winning and running and me collide in perfect unison and I will be exactly where I want to be……. I hope so.

I am afraid still.  Of Saturday.  Cover the distance. And cover it well.  Lace up free of doubt and fear and expectation and run the best race you can…… I would ask for wings if I thought it would help…. but I have to believe that my legs and my mind and my heart can fly me to the finish.  4 days. I feel like I don't know how to race…. but I do know how to run…. and maybe that is all I need to know.

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