On the other side of start Part 1

Miles 300

Adding up my miles today kind of gave me a little yippee feeling.  I hit 300.  I am on track at 100 miles a month.  That is just a little goal I have… just something else to shoot for.  I believe the more goals you have, the better your chance of meeting them. Instant feel good moment! Meeting goals.

And it is good timing.  Because I am riding the struggle bus these days.  My runs seem long.  I am tired. I am ready to give up and just lay in bed with pizza and ice cream.  Who needs this running thing.  But I want that 1:49.  I really do.

And right now, it seems impossible.  When I was trying to break out of the 2:00s…. 1:59 seemed like an unattainable goal. I would NEVER hit it.  I literally spend 2 years at 2:01…..2:00:30…. and it was beyond discouraging and frustrating.  Yet,  I pushed on…. somehow… keeping sight of my unreachable goal. And then it happened and I never looked back…. and I could do it….and I got better.  I have said it before…. I am NOT a natural runner.  I am NOT an athlete.  But I have the desire and sometimes, that means more than all of the natural athleticism in the world.  I worry that I will spend another 2 years getting to the 1:49s……and beyond.

I have to work hard…. nothing is ever easy for me…and somehow, I think, because of that…..it all means so much more……... that 1 minute of jump rope… when I put on my game face and say I could do this in my sleep. NO. NOT true.  I am slowly pulling in my breath to seem relaxed and keeping my body tight and smiling and focusing the whole time my mind is screaming OMG WTF HOW long can 60 DAMN seconds TAKE!  But I will never show that.  And while I am tricking you… I am really tricking ME.

So today is a 12 mile run.  Today is 2 weeks from the first spring race.  I feel sick.  I feel nervous beyond belief.  I feel scattered.  I feel scared.  I feel NOT READY.  And that is about right.  My training is not complete.  My race, the real deal, the goal is still about 1 month and 12 days out.  Not that I am counting really. I am trying to stuff it so far back in my head that I don't think about it or freak about it.  It's over a month away.  ANYTHING can happen. OH PLEASE let ANYTHING happen…anything that means bringing my miles to a steady 8:15 or 8:10.  I can do 8:35…. Probably I can push that to 8:30…. but that is where I struggle.  Leg check/lung check/ head check…. that's where I lose it.  Head check.  My head is freaking out.  I can calm my thoughts for a mile…..even 2…. but for 13…..

AND I am so cold!  This has to stop…. toughen UP girl! I say this over and over…. the weather is the least of your worries…. numb your skin to whatever is out there….. you can't control the weather… so you must endure whatever happens that day …. hot…cold….rain…..wind…. I can control my speed, my mind, my ability to push on… so this "cold" thing… it has to stop.

The first mile is where it all happens.  That magical, monumental,  pace setting,  space determining, breathing,  warm up,  nightmare,  kill me every time,  freezing,  worst mile of my life first mile.  That is where we have it out.  My body and my mind.
GO home…. NO we have worked way to hard…
RUN BACK TO THE CAR…. you are crazy we are in this race….
YOUR BED IS SO WARM AND SOFT…… I can't go home without a medal…..
WARM AND SOFT AND WAITING…… it hurts so much but I have to push on……
NO ONE WILL KNOW……. i will know……
LET GO……. hold on…….
GIVE UP……give it everything you've got and don't ever look back or have doubt or stop.  STOP……never stop.  
AHHHH mile 2!  THANK YOU.  WE MADE IT.

People ask me why I get so scared…. why i freak out…. they say… you have done this over a hundred times!  That is true.  But out there… in the race…. the competition is SO intense…. and I know this.  Everytime,  I know this.  …. my competition is amazing…. and because I know this….. because I know my competition…. the strength, the determination, the game face, the will power….. the hard work…. the, dare I say…talent….. every race terrifies me to tears….. breaks me down to a crying mess of what ifs and thoughts of failure and defeat….. and it is here that the training really matters… the experiences…..what was learned about myself and what strengths I have built upon… the days I said NO, but did it anyway…. the miles that were easy….YES I can do this…. the miles that were hard when I stopped and sat down and almost gave up…. but pulled myself up again and pushed harder…. the wind, the cold, the snow, the rain, the pain, the recovery, the time, the commitment. The desire.  The work and the will.  And I take ALL of this to that start line….. and I take a deep breath and believe I can do this.  I can beat my competition. I worked so hard for this…… to be better then I was before…. to take what I have learned and apply all of it….. to build upon the greatness I have already achieved and to beat the girl I was the last time I faced the start line….. to beat see my greatest competition on the other side of finish and say… we did it!  I am afraid because….. I am a great competitor and it will take everything I have inside and out to beat me….. that is what it is all about.  On the other side of finish….. 2 WEEKS


FOOD: Pre 10 mile run eggs/bacon/fruit….. oatmeal….3 cups of coffee……water water water.

Work Outs:  At this point the main focus is running…. lift light to stay tight and strong…. stretch to stay loose and long….. Jumping rope is a good cardio boost that doesn't stress out my joints too much….