JTG: On the other side of start Part 2

Miles 321

1 WEEK FROM RACE DAY.  
Ok so I went from great job on track to hit 100 miles a month by the end of this month to NOT a chance.  Spring break week and I kind of let it slide.  It all started with that 12 mile run last weekend.  When I only did 11 miles.  AND my average was awful… like 9:10 a mile.  I did a little trail running….but still…. less than 2 weeks from race go and I am just putzing along strolling around.  Pretending to run.  But I really enjoyed it. Doesn't that count….. and I had every intention of doing 12. But the wind THE WIND.  All week nothing but wind in my face. I was done. I came in to finish on the treadmill.  But I was done. I climbed on the treadmill…11 miles under my belt and my head just laughed and laughed…. "no way we are getting on this mid evil torture device".  And. I was ok with that.   Then came this:

"You have developed a habit to give up on yourself in a workout.  If you are injured or causing and injury you do need to pull the plug.  For almost any other reason you are training yourself to give up when it gets tough or you are not feeling great.  Perhaps the most important thing for you to develop is complete confidence that you will run smart and run hard.  Nothing else matters anyway.  Quitting or giving in erodes this confidence."

OMG.  Seriuosly. I shouldn't have complained about the wind.   Those harsh, crule, blind my eyes with tears TRUE words….. in a few short months on my JTG I am already on a quitters path.  And I have so much going on in my head with this…. Like… Hey wait!  I am handling 30+ miles a week…I am hitting my numbers for the most part…. I have improved ALOT over the past 4 years…. I am really trying! Kind of.  UGH and there it is. "kind of".  Did you see it?  Those 2 words that indicate I have SO MUCH MORE to give…. but I am still holding back.  Lets face it… I have improved over the years…. In distance running improvement happens slowly….. but how much have I improved….."this year" I guess time will tell. Like in 1 week. It was SO hard to read that heading into race season.  So hard that my eyes are welling up with tears as I type.  Truth really hurts.  Another season that I didn't give my all. I let it go.  I have a month left to train. It's not enough time.  

And I know it is ok.  Fall will bring a whole plethora of new races and new goals and more training….. but still…. I really wanted this…. SEE IT….. I am an entire month out and I have just about ….. given up on myself.  Maybe because it is a lot easier to prepare for failure than it is to pursue greatness and fail unexpectedly??? Maybe because it's easier to pull back and say…. well sure I failed but I wasn't really trying. What in the world am I so afraid of?  How could something I love so much be so impossible for me to commit 100% …….?????

My coach talks a lot about effort.  Managing effort.  Not so much in terms of time…… but in terms of the effort you are putting out as you run… knowing how to maintain that effort and knowing how to push that effort.  So there are different effort levels in which you run for any given training run.  Example:  6 miles at 65-75% effort… hard but not dying….. 3 miles at 60%….. easy recovery run…….. 4 miles at 85-90% race pace….. you better bring it all and leave it on the way because if you have anything left at the end… you did it wrong.  OK First off….. I can't even race like that how do I train like that.  How do I clear my head and give it my all….. it's like running a car to empty…. what if I run out of gas half way through…… what then.. do I just lay down on the course????!!!!!  "Oh never mind me I ran out of gas along the way…. lol…. I think the SAG wagon has a gas can coming…… hey! watch it can't you see I ran out of gas here and I can't move….. yes I realize I am laying on the race course… I went to fast… ran out of gas"  Does that really happen? It does in my head.….And then I am afraid to push too hard and then I am only giving 60-70% and then I am not racing hard or smart….. UGH

Part of distance running is knowing how to hold back….. NO. That's wrong. Part of distance running is knowing how to manage and maintain effort.  Now we are getting somewhere.   But can we get there FAST I only have a month left…….

And then there is this:

"When possible we need to get you around other runners.  If you have a competitive nature this will show you a whole new world and you will realize if they can do it so can you.  Right now I am not sure you have a good feel for what others (with the same or less talent than you) are doing."

Again very true that i am a solo runner.  At this stage in the game I have evolved to I am WAY to serious to run with anyone else. AND I do not want to feel like the worst ever!  AND I don't run well with others.  OK HOLY FREAKING NONSENSE.  If I can't run with others how in the world am I ever going to race against them…. and now there is that race day panic arising in my body.  OMFG it's almost here and I am not ready…. maybe I won't go… omg what if I do really bad…. what if what if what if.  What if I focus on the training at hand….. what if I focus on managing my effort and work really hard… what if I stop focusing on a time and start focusing on my effort….. sure 1:49 seems impossible.  But once…. 26.2 seemed impossible. And 6 races later it is something I do every year.  What if I just stopped doubting… what if I just started… running… Like now because I have 10 miles to get in today……..

All of those words hurt me, because they were true.  All of those words help me, because I needed to hear them.  And out of all of those words… only 1 is sticking in my head…. it was the word that helped my wipe off my tears and say, I am not sure if I can do this… but I can TRY.  He said…. "talent".  Funny, I never thought I had any of that stuff.  That's the stuff that winners are made of……