JTG: No Fear

MILES 390

DISCLAIMER……the following paragraph is major venting… not meant to offend anyone… just skip ahead if you want to get to the run stuff… pre race vents are great though!!! OK.  So did you ever look around and wonder why you never noticed the world is full of A$$holes… sorry.  I needed to get that out.  Races are very emotionally draining for me.  So I have a heightened sensitivity as they draw closer.  So, give me this paragraph to let this go and then I will get back to business.  OK.  I get that it is human nature to be self absorbed… we should have a sense of self importance… we should love ourselves… hell I have a blog about myself I am obviously not in any position to judge levels of self absorption.  BUT here is the thing….  even if you are self absorbed… you can still do it with compassion and kindness towards other.  In the days before my race I find myself wanting to become a friendless hermit and go live in a pineapple under the sea.   I am sorry if, at times, I am busy and that is bad for other peoples schedule and makes me "rude"… More passive aggressive Facebook behavior, please!  Yes! For sure I got the Un invite to the party because some one else is coming and they don't like me and you like them more or whatever and what time is the prom and when is graduation because I swear i did this once before and it's major deja vu.. can we not as adults coexist in the same geographical area…. or will some one throw a two year old I don't like you tantrum… wait I thought this was high school.. get over yourself…..and by all means don't let my sadness over the funeral I have to attend interrupt even a second of your day.  I will just stuff my sadness into a little bag and set it on the counter and when you are ready to acknowledge me… maybe we can open it up…. and you can offer me some friendly sympathy…. in my pineapple under the sea…. if you can find it.

My leg is so sore.  My trainer tells me I am over training.  I am waiting for my running coach to tell me I need to pull out of the race.  I am NOT pulling out of the race.  I can manage my effort, I can manage and understand my pain and if I need to stop or pull back… I WILL.  I know my body.  So I am frustrated.  Absolutely no physical movement until sat morning.  None. I am a sedentary non moving object that will soon be a running force of race domination.   AND EVERYBODY go away! Unless you have some nice comforting words of encouragement. I have enough negativity in my head.  I don't need yours( oh wait…that's still venting… NOW back to business).

My goal is to cover the distance.   I feel mentally and physically ready to do that.  I might not hit 1:49.  That is ok.  I do not need to.  This is my prep race…. 2 weeks later I take all of this into battle and see how hard I can really fight. AND here is this…. if I don't' hit my goal… I have a whole year to work on it and come back in 2016 to kill it.  But… it will already be dead from THIS year.  I feel ready.

So I have all this anger and sadness and frustration and running is my best way of channeling emotions…..Can I do this…will I give up…..OMG…. why didn't I call or text my friend.  it is almost fuel for me…..the harder the obstacle, the stronger my resolve… maybe that is why obstacle races are so fun…..

It is not that I am not afraid…. this is going to be hard and painful and that is scary…. it is a 13 mile self realization of who you are and what you are capable of… being on that level… with yourself…. is terrifying.  but I can do it… and I also know that it will be fun…. I love this running thing…. and I am lucky to be able to do it!   So I have to let go of that fear…… I have to trade in fear for believe and confidence.  I need to do that today.  Today I let go of my fear.  What will be will be….. that's kind of just a good life motto.  I will manage my effort… have fun…. give it all I can give…. without fear of failure..one mile at a time…

I don't want to spend another second wishing I had done it differently…..wishing I had made a phone call or sent a "how are you text"… I don't want to be disappointed in me or in the people around me or be that person who never speaks up but just quietly passively goes through life…I want to be strong, capable, confident…. in love with every second of life…. A role model for my children…. 1 step at a time, mile after mile of magic…. Magic that comes from inside me…...

Tomorrow I pick up my race bib….. tomorrow I say goodbye to a friend I probably should have paid more attention too….. self absorbed I guess…  I would for sure invite her to my pineapple under the sea..

The things we don't do today…… may not be there tomorrow…. people we take for granted could be gone in the blink of an eye….. We should never for one second compromise ourselves, our beliefs and the things and people that are important to us…..because right now is the only sure thing we have.  And …. one day you might just be left wondering how some one dies suddenly when you just found out they were sick….. and you never even sent a text…. because people get better……and there is always tomorrow……... Tomorrow,  after that final moment with my friend, that I hadn't spoken to in months…. I will for sure hug my children a little tighter, so thankful for everything and everyone that I have.  I will of course forgive the people in my life, and grant them their bad moments, their sadness.  I will lead my children with an example of compassion and kindness and strength…. and I will let this guide me as well.

Today I say good bye to fear…. I am ready to shake hands with pain, doubt, fear, and fatigue and say may the stronger of us win…. and I am ready to run with compassion, kindness and strength… free of doubt and free of fear.  My friend would have wanted it that way…..